Funny Quotes by Great Minds

1. Every man should get married some time; after all,happiness is not the only thing in life!!
--Anonymous

2.Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.
--Oscar Wilde


3. Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
--Scottish Proverb

4. I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
--Sam Kinison

5. A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.
--Anonymous

6. Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too.
--H. L. Mencken

7. Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.
--H. L. Mencken

8. "A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle."
- U2

9.Marriage is a three-ring circus:
--engagement ring
---wedding ring
---suffering

10.When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why. When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.

11.Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

12.When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

13. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back to home always.
--Anonymous

14. I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Some where I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
--Anonymous

15. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops
16. My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
--Anonymous

17.She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
--Anonymous

18. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in."
--Anonymous

19. Badd Teddy recently explained to me why he refuses to get to married. He says "the wedding rings look like minature handcuffs....."
--Anonymous

20. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife yelling at the frontdoor, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course... at least he'll shut up after u let him in!
--Anonymous

Mourning

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly parted mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did u have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain in is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so Deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied "My wife's first husband."

Wishing Well

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled " It really works !

Male - Female Dictionary

[1] THINGY (thing-ee) n.Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

[2] VULNERABLE (vul-NE-Ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a cup.

[3] COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-in- Kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

[4] COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

[5] ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn- ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

[6] FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male: A source of entertainment, self-_expression, male bonding.

[7] REMOTE CONTROL (RI-moht kon-troh l) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

[8] He said, She said
He said: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said: You wear pants don't you?

He said: Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said: That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit
On the sofa and fart!

He said: What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said: Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said: We don't know; it has never happened.

He said: Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

My way:

A woman's husband dies, and while at the funeral home watching the
Mortician prepare her husband for final internment, she asked if he
Would cut off her husbands dick for her.

The mortician thought this to be an odd request, but since it was her
Husband, he complied with her wishes and cut it off and gave it to
Her.

She wrapped it up and took it home. When she got home, she pulled out
A frying pan, threw some chopped onions, garlic, green peppers, and
Some butter into the pan, and started cutting up the dick.

Her neighbor walked in at this point and saw what she was doing, and
Asked, "What are you doing with *that*??!!"

The woman replied, "Hey, for 35 years I ate it his way, now I'm gonna
Eat it my way!"

Rolex Watch?

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed.

"Grandson I wanna you lisin to me. I wanna for you to take my
Chromeplated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But Grandpa I really don't like guns so how about you leaving me
Your Rolex watch instead."

"You lisina to me, soma day you goin a be runna DA bussiness, you goina

Have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambino.
Soma day you goina coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man.

What you gonna do then? Point to you watch and say 'TIME'S UP'?"

Famous Lines

"pinapaikot mo lang ako.
Nagsasawa na ako.
Mabuti pang patayin mo na lang ako"

- electric fan

"hindi lahat ng walang salawal ay bastos! "

-winnie d' pooh

"Alam mo ba wala akong ibang hinangad
kundi ang mapalapit sa iyo.
Pero patuloy ang pag-iwas mo"

-ipis

"Hala! sige magpakasasa ka!
Alam ko namang katawan ko lang ang habol mo."

-hipon

"Ayoko na! pag nagmamahal ako lagi na lang
maraming tao ang nagagalit! wala ba akong
karapatang magmahal?!?"
-gasolina


"Hindi lahat ng green ay masustansya."

-plema

"Hindi ko hinahangad na ipagmalaki mo na ako'y sau
ayoko ko lang naman na sa harap ng maraming tao
ganun mo na lang ako itanggi.."

- utot

"Sawang sawa na ako palagi nalang akong pinagpapasa-pasahan, pagod na pagod na ako."

-Bola

"you never know what you have till you lose it.
And once you lose it, you can never get it back"

-snatcher

"Hindi lahat ng pink, KIKAY!"

-majinboo

"Ginawa ko naman lahat para sumaya ka mahirap
ba talagang makontento sa isa?
bakit palipat-lipat ka?
-TV

"hindi lahat ng maasim may vitamin c"

-kili kili

Sige, batihin mo ako.... Sigeee.....BATEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

- omelette

pilitin mo man na alisin ako sa buhay mo,
babalik at babalik ako!

-libag


Anung kasalanan ko sayo, iniwan m nalang akong duguan...

-Napkin


"wag mo na akong bilugin.."

-kulangot


Hindi lahat ng hinog, matamisis.

-pigsa


Paano tayo makakabuo kung hindi ako papatong sa iyo?

-Lego


Punyetang Buhay to! Itlog itlog! Araw2 na lang itlog!
-Brief

Wala naman akong ginawa sa kanya! Hindi na nga ako
gumalaw dito.
Ako na nga yun natapakan, siya pa yun galit.. bakit ganun?

-Tae

Cge kalimutan mo ako para malaman ng iba ang baho mo!

-deodorant

hindi lahat ng dugo puedeng idonate"

- regla

Senior Date

Grandpa and Grandma always got very excited when they recalled the old days they were together. They made a decision, one day to make it "yesterday once more". They made a date on the riverbank they used to go when they were young. The next day, Grandpa got up 6 a.m. In the morning, dashed to the bank, picked up a big bunch of wild flowers before sunrise, waited there for his sweetheart to come. But grandpa ended in disappointment grandma never showed up even after sunset.

Grandpa went home in such anger. He opened the door, seeing grandma lying on the sofa with her pillow. He threw the flowers on the floor and questioned: "Why didn't you come to our date?"

Grandma hid her head in the pillow and replied shyly: "Mom didn't allow me to go..."

Viagra Extra Strength

Crash, the Biker, walks into a pharmacy & says to the pharmacist,
"Listen, I have three biker babes coming over tonight. I've never had
Three biker babes at once, & I need something to keep me horny, keep
Me potent."

The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer &
Takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra Extra
Strength" & says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go NUTS for 12
Hours!"

The next day, Crash rides down to the same pharmacy, walks right up
To the same pharmacist & pulls down his pants.

The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices that Crash's Johnson is
Black & blue with the skin hanging off in some places.

Crash says, "Gimme a bottle of Ben Gay."

The pharmacist replies, "BEN GAY?! You're not going to put Ben Gay on
Your dick while it's in that condition?"

Crash says, "No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up."

Spaghetti

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several
years . One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him
she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage,
he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly
have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise The child, he would also
provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep
it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti"
on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said.

The wife watched as her husband read the card; he turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with
meatballs, one without."

How to Call the Police

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Joke Time

Regalo sa kasal:
Tatay: Dahil kapamilya na rin kita, bibigyan ko kayo ng malaking halaga upang magamit na puhunan sa negosyo.
Jorge: Salamat po, Tatay.
Tatay: Eh ano naman kaya ang kapalit ninyo?
Jorge: (nag-isip): Madali lang po yan, bibigyan ho namin kayo agad ng resibo.
****************************
Naranasan ko sumakay sa elevator. Naranasan ko sumakay sa eskelator.
Isa lang ang di ko naranasan………
Ang sumakay sa calculator!! Hirap e, diba?
****************************
Judge: Dahil nanampal ka, ikaw ay pinagmumulta ng 500.
Offender: Opo. May panukli po ba kayo sa 1,000?
Judge: Wala, kaya sampalin mo na lang siya ulit!
****************************
Patient: Will I be able to read after I get eyeglasses?
Doctor: Yes, certainly!
Patient: Thank you , Doc. Alam mo, Doc, no read, no write kasi ako.
****************************
Nanay: Ang lakas mo lumamon! Bwisit kang bata ka!
Anak: Inay bakit ang alaga nating baboy pag malakas kumain masayang masaya kayo.
Sino ba talaga ang anak mo?
****************************
Thought for the day: Lahat ng problema may solusyon. Kapag walang solusyon, huwag mo nang problemahin.
****************************
Malapit na Christmas kung wala magbigay gift say yo, okay lang… kantahan mo pa sya….
boom barat
barat!
boom barat
barat!
baaraa rat!
baaaraaarat!
boom! boom! boom!
****************************
Genie: Dahil pinalaya mo ak, may 3 wishes ka!
Man: Gawin mo ako rich, pero di bayad tax; powerful pero di tatrabaho; notorious pero walang sabit.
Genie: Mula ngayon, ikaw na si MIKE ARROYO!!!
****************************
Boyet: Pare, kagabi hinarana ko yung girlfriend ko.
Poldy: Talaga ang sweet mo naman.
Boyet: Natuwa nya sya e, hinagisan nya ako ng bulaklak mula sa bintana.
Poldy: Talaga! Pero pare, bakit nga pala may bukol sa ulo mo?
Boyet: Ah e kasi hinagis niya pati yung paso.
****************************
Dalawang lasing naglalakad sa riles ng tren:
Lasing 1: Pare, ang hirap nitong hagdan, ang daming steps!
Lasing 2: Di lang yan pare. Ambaba pa ng hawakan.
****************************
Ito na siguro ang pinakamasakit na marinig galing sa tatay mo:
PUNETA KANG BATA KA! Kung alam ko lang na magiging gago ka sana PINAHID NALANG KITA SA TUWALYA!!
****************************
Reporter: Musta po project nyo?
Politician: Tapos na 3 million fabricated classrooms.
Reporter: Pero sabi nila di raw totoo yun?
Politician: Kaya nga fabricated eh.
****************************
Dad: So Son, how’s your grades in school?
Son: Dad! Eh underwater ho kasi.
Dad (nagtataka): Ano’ng ibig mong sabihing underwater, meron ba nun?
Son: Kasi ho dad, ang grades ko eh below C-level!!
****************************
Man: Doc, bakit dinugo sa 1st night ang asawa ko eh dating GRO yan?
(ineksamin ng doc ang Mrs)
Doc: Wala po kayong dapat ikababahala, natuklap lang po ang KALYO!!
****************************
Kumpisalan:
Pari: Ano ikukumpisal mo iha?
Pokpok: Kasi po tuwing nakakarinig ako ng nagmumura inaaya ko siya makipagSEX.
Pari: Amputangna talaga!
****************************
Binigay ko cell # mo sa mga INDIAN friends ko! So you can share your Green Jokes!!:
Mr. Abdul Bayagnani
Mr.Walamani Kikiwani
Mr.Kulani Anghitni
Mr. Burat Liitnyani
Mr.Barat Fivesix Ini
Ms.Susu Laylaymani
****************************
Pagkatapos ng simba:
Jose: Inay, kapag laki ko, gusto kong maging pari.
Inay: Talaga anak? Anong naisip mo at gusto mo nito?
Jose: Kasi po inay, mas masaya naman at di hamak ang tumayo sa harap at mag-sermon kaysa umupo ng isang oras at makinig lang.
****************************
2 Bumbays stood at a distance from each other. How did they communicate?
Remember the red dot on their forehead…?
via Infrared!
****************************
Husband: Di ako makatulog, lagi kong iniisip ang utang ko kay pare na 50 thousand.
Wife: Tawagan mo si pare at sabihin mo di ka makakabayad para siya naman ang di makatulog!
****************************
Mr: Dra. Bakit ho si mrs dalawang beses lang kung makipag-sex sakin sa loob ng 1 buwan?
Dra: Normal ho yan sa mga mrs. Yung iba 4x depende kung ilan beses ang SWELDO.
****************************
Misis: May babae ka, ano?! Umamin ka, sino ‘tong babaeng nasa picture na kayakap mo?
Mister: Ano ka ba bakla ‘yan.
Misis (gulat): Ipinagpalit mo ako sa isang bakla?
Mister: Hindi kita ipinagpalit sa isang bakla ano ka ba. Kung dalawa, pwede pa.
****************************
Man kissing the girlfriend’s lips: oh! It’s Aquafresh.
The girl’s neck: wow, it’s Bulgari.
The girl’s body: hmm, Victoria’s Secret lotion.
Girl’s private part: mmm! DATU PUTI….
****************************
Inday: Bechay bat naman sobrang lungkot mo ngayon, may problema ba?
Bechay: Kasi Inday, sabi nila, ang panget daw, itinadhana para sa maganda at guapo.
Inday: Oo yata. Eh bakit naman?
Bechay: Badtrip kasi eh! Di ibig sahihin, para sa pangit ako.
****************************
Nadia: Marami ang nagtatanong sa akin kung bakit daw lagi akong masaya.
Akala nila, wala akong problema.
Lita: Oo nga Nadia, mukha ka ngang walang problema.
Nadia (ngumiti na lang sabay sabing): Marami akong problema, maganda lang talaga ako kaya hindi halata.
****************************
Sa isang geography class:
Guro: Bitoy, anong meron sa Pangasinan?
Bitoy: Hundred Islands!
Guro: Magaling, eh sa Albay?
Ana: Bulkang Mayon!
Guro: Magaling, eh sa Banaue Lito, anong meron duon?
Lito (hindi sigurado sa sagot): Uhm, Kwan po ma’am, car accessories?
****************************
Dying man’s true words:
Husband: Honey, I'm sorry for doing this to you.
Wife: Hush now Honey, just rest.
Husband: No Honey, I'm concerned.When I'm gone you’ll never find another man like me.
Wife (chuckling): Duh! What makes you think I’d want another man like you?
****************************
In 1964 the first topless bar opened in San Francisco, USA.
The good news is, the bar is still open.
The bad news is, the same girls still work there!
****************************

Joke Time

Employee: I'm sorry for being late Boss. I overslept. I was having a dream about basketball.
Boss: And how did that make you late for work?
Employee: Well, they went overtime.
****************************
In hospital room, a woman was in labour with agony. The husband prayed:
Oh Lord! Please enlarge it for the BABY and tighten it for DADDY!
****************************
Guy negotiated with a prostitute that he would pay by cheque. The cheque bounced.
When she got it from the bank, the reason given was—INSUFFICIENT FUN!
****************************
A despondent fellow seeks the advice of the city’s most fashionable – and expensive – analyst.
“You have acute melancholia,” the analyst informs him. “The circus is in town this week.
Go to it. It may give you some laughs.”
“Your advice is worthless,” mourns the despondent one. “I'm the top clown there.”
****************************
Comparing their churches, the two old maiden ladies are discussing the services, the sermons and their ministers.
“And is your congregation a large one?” asks the first old lady.
“On the contrary,” says the other, “it’s so small that when the minsiter says, ‘Dearly beloved,’, I always blush.”
****************************
Hymie Goldberg feels very sick, so he calls in a specialist. After examining Goldberg, the specialist says, “Yes, I am quite sure I can cure you.”
“How much will it cost?” asks Goldberg weakly.
“My fee,” says the specialist, “will be ninety-seven dollars.”
“I'm afraid,”says Goldberg, “you will have to reduce that a little. I got a better price from the undertakers.”
****************************
Hymie Goldberg knocks on the door of the psychiatric hospital. A nurse answers the door, and he asks whether any of their patients has escaped recently.
“Why do you want to know?” asks the nurse.
“Well,” says Goldberg, “someone has run off with my wife.”
****************************
Man relating how poor he was as a child:
”I was so poor that if I did not wake up with an erection, I had nothing to play with for the rest of the day.”
****************************
The crowded elevator in an old New York building refuses to budge. The operator opens and closes the gates and presses the buttons several times, but still the lift refuses to budge.
Then he again opens the lift, and a very little old lady gets out.
Presto! the elevator begins to ascend, but not before the passengers hear the little old lady exclaim, “It’s not that I weigh so much, but it’s that I have so much on my mind today.”
****************************
Paddy puts five dollars into the collection plate at his church. “What,”
Paddy asks the priest, “happens to all this money?”
“It goes to the Lord,” answers the priest.
“Oh, well,” says Paddy, removing his five dollars from the plate, “I’m seventy-five years old. I’m bound to see the Lord before a young man like you, and I can give it to him personally.”
****************************
Boris Babblebrain, the prosecuting attorney, is striding up and down the courtroom in front of the glamorous blonde witness, Gorgeous Gloria.
“Is it true,” rants Babblebrain, “that on the tenth of July you committed adultery in a snowstorm, while lying across the top of a motorcycle being driven by a one-legged dwarf who was also waving the Polish national flag?”
Gloria looks unblinking into Babblebrain’s eyes, and calmly says, “What was the date again?”
****************************
Several members of the Golden Age Club are being asked, “Why do you think god has permitted you to reach the age of ninety-five?”
Without hesitation one wealthy old lady says, “To test the patience of my relatives.”
****************************
It is that fateful day on Calvary Hill, Jesus has been hanging from his cross for hours, and he is getting weaker and weaker.
Suddenly he sees Moseki, his Polish disciple, among the faces in the crowd below.
“Moseki, come here. I have a message for you and your people.”
Moseki shimmies up the cross, bringing his ear next to Jesus and says, “Yes, Lord, what is the message for us Polacks?”
“The times are dangerous for my Polish disciples,” whispers Jesus, “so until I come back, just play dumb!”
****************************
While on the bus:
Sam: I hate it when I see a girl standing in a bus while I am comfortably seated.
Lily: What do you do?
Sam: I just close my eyes.
****************************
In a geography class:
Teacher: So Kevin, what’s your excuse now for not studying your geography lessons?
Kevin: I was just following what my dad said.
Teacher: And what did he say?
Kevin: Well, dad says the world is changing every day. So I decided to wait until it settles down.
****************************
Teacher: John, your composition on “My Dog” is exactly the same as your brother’s.
Did you copy his?
John: Of course not teacher, it’s just the same dog.
****************************
Dispatcher 9-1-1:
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you asthmatic?
Caller: No.
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
****************************
Bill had been quite the ladies man and player all his life, but now that he was getting up there in age, his doctor was getting concerned about him.
"Bill," advised the doctor, "I can add 15 more years to your life if you will just quit your old routine of wine, women, and song."
Bill thought for a few minutes, then said, "Tell you what doc, I'll settle for five more years and just give up singing."
****************************

Photo of the Day

Dowry

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a spot on their foreheads. We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their religion.

The true story has recently been revealed by the Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the spot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States.

If not, he must take a job in India answering telephones giving technical support or other customer service for an American corporation.

Photo of the day

Joke Time 7

Regalo sa kasal:
Tatay: Dahil kapamilya na rin kita, bibigyan ko kayo ng malaking halaga upang magamit na puhunan sa negosyo.
Jorge: Salamat po, Tatay.
Tatay: Eh ano naman kaya ang kapalit ninyo?
Jorge: (nag-isip): Madali lang po yan, bibigyan ho namin kayo agad ng resibo.
****************************
Naranasan ko sumakay sa elevator. Naranasan ko sumakay sa eskelator.
Isa lang ang di ko naranasan………
Ang sumakay sa calculator!! Hirap e, diba?
****************************
Judge: Dahil nanampal ka, ikaw ay pinagmumulta ng 500.
Offender: Opo. May panukli po ba kayo sa 1,000?
Judge: Wala, kaya sampalin mo na lang siya ulit!
****************************
Patient: Will I be able to read after I get eyeglasses?
Doctor: Yes, certainly!
Patient: Thank you , Doc. Alam mo, Doc, no read, no write kasi ako.
****************************
Nanay: Ang lakas mo lumamon! Bwisit kang bata ka!
Anak: Inay bakit ang alaga nating baboy pag malakas kumain masayang masaya kayo.
Sino ba talaga ang anak mo?
****************************
Thought for the day: Lahat ng problema may solusyon. Kapag walang solusyon, huwag mo nang problemahin.
****************************
Malapit na Christmas kung wala magbigay gift say yo, okay lang… kantahan mo pa sya….
boom barat
barat!
boom barat
barat!
baaraa rat!
baaaraaarat!
boom! boom! boom!
****************************
Genie: Dahil pinalaya mo ak, may 3 wishes ka!
Man: Gawin mo ako rich, pero di bayad tax; powerful pero di tatrabaho; notorious pero walang sabit.
Genie: Mula ngayon, ikaw na si MIKE ARROYO!!!
****************************
Boyet: Pare, kagabi hinarana ko yung girlfriend ko.
Poldy: Talaga ang sweet mo naman.
Boyet: Natuwa nya sya e, hinagisan nya ako ng bulaklak mula sa bintana.
Poldy: Talaga! Pero pare, bakit nga pala may bukol sa ulo mo?
Boyet: Ah e kasi hinagis niya pati yung paso.
****************************
Dalawang lasing naglalakad sa riles ng tren:
Lasing 1: Pare, ang hirap nitong hagdan, ang daming steps!
Lasing 2: Di lang yan pare. Ambaba pa ng hawakan.
****************************
Ito na siguro ang pinakamasakit na marinig galing sa tatay mo:
PUNETA KANG BATA KA! Kung alam ko lang na magiging gago ka sana PINAHID NALANG KITA SA TUWALYA!!
****************************
Reporter: Musta po project nyo?
Politician: Tapos na 3 million fabricated classrooms.
Reporter: Pero sabi nila di raw totoo yun?
Politician: Kaya nga fabricated eh.
****************************
Dad: So Son, how’s your grades in school?
Son: Dad! Eh underwater ho kasi.
Dad (nagtataka): Ano’ng ibig mong sabihing underwater, meron ba nun?
Son: Kasi ho dad, ang grades ko eh below C-level!!
****************************
Man: Doc, bakit dinugo sa 1st night ang asawa ko eh dating GRO yan?
(ineksamin ng doc ang Mrs)
Doc: Wala po kayong dapat ikababahala, natuklap lang po ang KALYO!!
****************************
Kumpisalan:
Pari: Ano ikukumpisal mo iha?
Pokpok: Kasi po tuwing nakakarinig ako ng nagmumura inaaya ko siya makipagSEX.
Pari: Amputangna talaga!
****************************
Binigay ko cell # mo sa mga INDIAN friends ko! So you can share your Green Jokes!!:
Mr. Abdul Bayagnani
Mr.Walamani Kikiwani
Mr.Kulani Anghitni
Mr. Burat Liitnyani
Mr.Barat Fivesix Ini
Ms.Susu Laylaymani
****************************
Pagkatapos ng simba:
Jose: Inay, kapag laki ko, gusto kong maging pari.
Inay: Talaga anak? Anong naisip mo at gusto mo nito?
Jose: Kasi po inay, mas masaya naman at di hamak ang tumayo sa harap at mag-sermon kaysa umupo ng isang oras at makinig lang.
****************************
2 Bumbays stood at a distance from each other. How did they communicate?
Remember the red dot on their forehead…?
via Infrared!
****************************
Husband: Di ako makatulog, lagi kong iniisip ang utang ko kay pare na 50 thousand.
Wife: Tawagan mo si pare at sabihin mo di ka makakabayad para siya naman ang di makatulog!
****************************
Mr: Dra. Bakit ho si mrs dalawang beses lang kung makipag-sex sakin sa loob ng 1 buwan?
Dra: Normal ho yan sa mga mrs. Yung iba 4x depende kung ilan beses ang SWELDO.
****************************
Misis: May babae ka, ano?! Umamin ka, sino ‘tong babaeng nasa picture na kayakap mo?
Mister: Ano ka ba bakla ‘yan.
Misis (gulat): Ipinagpalit mo ako sa isang bakla?
Mister: Hindi kita ipinagpalit sa isang bakla ano ka ba. Kung dalawa, pwede pa.
****************************
Man kissing the girlfriend’s lips: oh! It’s Aquafresh.
The girl’s neck: wow, it’s Bulgari.
The girl’s body: hmm, Victoria’s Secret lotion.
Girl’s private part: mmm! DATU PUTI….
****************************
Inday: Bechay bat naman sobrang lungkot mo ngayon, may problema ba?
Bechay: Kasi Inday, sabi nila, ang panget daw, itinadhana para sa maganda at guapo.
Inday: Oo yata. Eh bakit naman?
Bechay: Badtrip kasi eh! Di ibig sahihin, para sa pangit ako.
****************************
Nadia: Marami ang nagtatanong sa akin kung bakit daw lagi akong masaya.
Akala nila, wala akong problema.
Lita: Oo nga Nadia, mukha ka ngang walang problema.
Nadia (ngumiti na lang sabay sabing): Marami akong problema, maganda lang talaga ako kaya hindi halata.
****************************
Sa isang geography class:
Guro: Bitoy, anong meron sa Pangasinan?
Bitoy: Hundred Islands!
Guro: Magaling, eh sa Albay?
Ana: Bulkang Mayon!
Guro: Magaling, eh sa Banaue Lito, anong meron duon?
Lito (hindi sigurado sa sagot): Uhm, Kwan po ma’am, car accessories?
****************************
Dying man’s true words:
Husband: Honey, I'm sorry for doing this to you.
Wife: Hush now Honey, just rest.
Husband: No Honey, I'm concerned.When I'm gone you’ll never find another man like me.
Wife (chuckling): Duh! What makes you think I’d want another man like you?
****************************
In 1964 the first topless bar opened in San Francisco, USA.
The good news is, the bar is still open.
The bad news is, the same girls still work there!
****************************
Employee: I'm sorry for being late Boss. I overslept. I was having a dream about basketball.
Boss: And how did that make you late for work?
Employee: Well, they went overtime.
****************************
In hospital room, a woman was in labour with agony. The husband prayed:
Oh Lord! Please enlarge it for the BABY and tighten it for DADDY!
****************************
Guy negotiated with a prostitute that he would pay by cheque. The cheque bounced.
When she got it from the bank, the reason given was—INSUFFICIENT FUN!
****************************
A despondent fellow seeks the advice of the city’s most fashionable – and expensive – analyst.
“You have acute melancholia,” the analyst informs him. “The circus is in town this week.
Go to it. It may give you some laughs.”
“Your advice is worthless,” mourns the despondent one. “I'm the top clown there.”
****************************
Comparing their churches, the two old maiden ladies are discussing the services, the sermons and their ministers.
“And is your congregation a large one?” asks the first old lady.
“On the contrary,” says the other, “it’s so small that when the minsiter says, ‘Dearly beloved,’, I always blush.”
****************************
Hymie Goldberg feels very sick, so he calls in a specialist. After examining Goldberg, the specialist says, “Yes, I am quite sure I can cure you.”
“How much will it cost?” asks Goldberg weakly.
“My fee,” says the specialist, “will be ninety-seven dollars.”
“I'm afraid,”says Goldberg, “you will have to reduce that a little. I got a better price from the undertakers.”
****************************
Hymie Goldberg knocks on the door of the psychiatric hospital. A nurse answers the door, and he asks whether any of their patients has escaped recently.
“Why do you want to know?” asks the nurse.
“Well,” says Goldberg, “someone has run off with my wife.”
****************************
Man relating how poor he was as a child:
”I was so poor that if I did not wake up with an erection, I had nothing to play with for the rest of the day.”
****************************
The crowded elevator in an old New York building refuses to budge. The operator opens and closes the gates and presses the buttons several times, but still the lift refuses to budge.
Then he again opens the lift, and a very little old lady gets out.
Presto! the elevator begins to ascend, but not before the passengers hear the little old lady exclaim, “It’s not that I weigh so much, but it’s that I have so much on my mind today.”
****************************
Paddy puts five dollars into the collection plate at his church. “What,”
Paddy asks the priest, “happens to all this money?”
“It goes to the Lord,” answers the priest.
“Oh, well,” says Paddy, removing his five dollars from the plate, “I’m seventy-five years old. I’m bound to see the Lord before a young man like you, and I can give it to him personally.”
****************************
Boris Babblebrain, the prosecuting attorney, is striding up and down the courtroom in front of the glamorous blonde witness, Gorgeous Gloria.
“Is it true,” rants Babblebrain, “that on the tenth of July you committed adultery in a snowstorm, while lying across the top of a motorcycle being driven by a one-legged dwarf who was also waving the Polish national flag?”
Gloria looks unblinking into Babblebrain’s eyes, and calmly says, “What was the date again?”
****************************
Several members of the Golden Age Club are being asked, “Why do you think god has permitted you to reach the age of ninety-five?”
Without hesitation one wealthy old lady says, “To test the patience of my relatives.”
****************************
It is that fateful day on Calvary Hill, Jesus has been hanging from his cross for hours, and he is getting weaker and weaker.
Suddenly he sees Moseki, his Polish disciple, among the faces in the crowd below.
“Moseki, come here. I have a message for you and your people.”
Moseki shimmies up the cross, bringing his ear next to Jesus and says, “Yes, Lord, what is the message for us Polacks?”
“The times are dangerous for my Polish disciples,” whispers Jesus, “so until I come back, just play dumb!”
****************************
While on the bus:
Sam: I hate it when I see a girl standing in a bus while I am comfortably seated.
Lily: What do you do?
Sam: I just close my eyes.
****************************
In a geography class:
Teacher: So Kevin, what’s your excuse now for not studying your geography lessons?
Kevin: I was just following what my dad said.
Teacher: And what did he say?
Kevin: Well, dad says the world is changing every day. So I decided to wait until it settles down.
****************************
Teacher: John, your composition on “My Dog” is exactly the same as your brother’s.
Did you copy his?
John: Of course not teacher, it’s just the same dog.
****************************
Dispatcher 9-1-1:
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you asthmatic?
Caller: No.
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
****************************
Bill had been quite the ladies man and player all his life, but now that he was getting up there in age, his doctor was getting concerned about him.
"Bill," advised the doctor, "I can add 15 more years to your life if you will just quit your old routine of wine, women, and song."
Bill thought for a few minutes, then said, "Tell you what doc, I'll settle for five more years and just give up singing."
****************************

Photos of the day


Joke Time 6

Anak: Inay, totoo po ba ang sabi ni Father kanina na tayo’y galing sa alabok at sa alabok din magbabalik?
Ina: Totoo nga iyon, anak.
Anak: Dapat pala Inay, walisin mo na ang ilalim ng kama, baka maging tao yung alabok dun.
*************************
Isang araw, sa opisina ng NBI:
Brando: Excuse me Sir, available na ho ba ang clearance ko?
Clerk (after ilang minutes maghanap): Naku mister, paki follow-up na lang after 5 days, may kapangalan ka kasi eh.
Brando: Ganun ba? Anong pangalan niya?
*************************
Mother Superior: Hala, layas dito sa kumbento?
Madre: Bakit po? Dahil po ba sa paggamit ko ng vibrator?
Mother Superior: Hindi sa ganon. Ayoko lang me nakikialam sa gamit ko!
*************************
Son: Dad, nagpatatoo ako ng Dragon.
Dad: Pangmacho yun ah! Pero bakit sa tiyan? Dapat sa dibdib!
Son: Dad naman, paano makikita ang tatoo ko kung naka bra ako!
*************************
Sexy: Father, kasalanan ba ang di pag suot ng panty?
Father: Oo naman.
Sexy: Paano yan wala akong suot panty ngayon?
Father: Pakita mo iha at mabindisyonan ko.
*************************
Tay: Asensado na talaga anak natin sa U.S. Nagpadala ng picture nakasandal sa kotse. Basahin mo nga sulat sa likod.
Nay: “Itay nagpapasalamat ako kasi kung di dahil sa kotse na ito, natumba na ako sa sobrang gutom”.
*************************

Isang araw, ginabi ng uwi si Mister at inip na inip na nag-iintay si Misis.
Misis (mataas ang boses): Bakit ngayon ka lang ha?! BAKIT NGAYON KA LANG?!
Mister (nag-isip ng isasagot tapos mas tinaasan ang boses): Eh ikaw, bakit kanina ka pa ha?
BAKIT KANINA KA PA?
*************************
Man of steel di ba di tinatablan ng bala at kutsilyo. Bumabaluktot ang karayom sa kanya.
Ito ang tanong: Tuli ba sya? Pano sya tutuliin?
*************************
Atty: Gaano ka katagal pinagsamantalahan ng nasasakdal?
Girl: Mga 5 oras po.
Atty: 5 oras kang ginahasa?
Girl: Kasama na po dun…shower, blowjob, kain, konting pahinga.
*************************

Pari: Hija, alam mo ba? Kasalanan sa diyos ang nagbebenta ng laman.
Gro: Alam ko po father, pero sino naman po ang bibili kung magbebenta ako ng buto?
*************************
Babae: Sigurado ka bang mahal na mahal mo ako?
Lalake: Oo naman, ito talaga oh. Katunayan pag gising ko pa lang sa umaga naiisip na agad kita.
Babe: Sus, ikaw talaga oh. Sige nga kung tanda mo pa, anong pangalan ko?
Lalake: Jingle.
*************************
Question: How can you tell if a batang bumbay has turned into an adult?
Answer: When he starts wearing his diaper around his head!!!
*************************
Pari: Ang mga bakla ay walang lugar sa kaharian ng langit.
Bakla: Hay! Carry lang yan father. Doon na lang kami sa rainbow mag slide-slide!
*************************
Man: Neng, anong pangalan mo?
Gro: PAQUITA po!
Man: Aba, antigo na yang pangalan mo! Bihira nang may ganyang pangalan.
Sino yung mga
kasama mo?
Gro: Yung nakaputi si PAHIPO. Yung naka-stripe si PATUWAD at yung manager na bugaw si PASINGIL! E, kayo po ba si PAPATOL?
*************************
Inday: Mam, magpapaalam na po ako. Uuwi na po ako sa probinsya!
Mam: Nagpaalam ka na ba sa Sir mo?
Inday: Nauna na po siya, doon na daw po kami magkita.
*************************
Mag-asawa nag-aaway tungkol sa pera:
Lalaki (galit na galit): Walanghiya ka, kung hindi dahil sa pera ko eh wala itong bahay natin ngayon!
Mrs (galit na galit din): Ano ka! Kung hindi sa pera mo, eh wala ako dito!
*************************
Girl: Maganda ba ako?
Boy: Oo kaya lang bumbayin ka…
Girl: Hindi naman ako mukhang bumbay ah. Tisay yata to!
Boy: Tanga! Ung AMOY mo bumbayin!
*************************
Teacher: Juan, please use FACT thrice in a sentence.
Nag-isip ng malalim si Juan…..
Juan: As a matter of fact, the birds can’t fly without fact fact.
*************************
Sa math class:
Teacher: Juan, kung ako’y may 5 anak sa unang asawa at 10 sa pangalawa, samakatuwid meron akong….?
Juan: Ma’am, pekpek. Malaking malaking pekpek!
*************************
2 lasing ang nagtatalo:
Toryong Lasing: Ingo, bakit mo kinakatok yung poste, walang tao dyan cra. Hik!
Ingong Lasing: Cra ka pala Toryo, kita mo ng may ilaw eh, eh di may tao.
*************************
May isang kano na naglalakad. Nakita ni Juan na bukas ang bag niya.
Juan: Pedro, sabihin mo dun sa kano bukas ang bag niya!
Pedro: Hey men! Ur bag is tomorrow!!
*************************
Sa classroom ng Grade 3 ng mga estudyante ay may recitation:
Teacher: Ramon, tumayo ka. Ano ang masasabi mo sa ating mga bayani?
Ramon (kunyaring nag-iisip): Ah, mam, alam ko na. Lahat sila ay patay na.
*************************
Sa math class:
Teacher: Bitoy, ano ang ginagamit na paraan para madali mong mabilang ang madaming madaming cows?
Bitoy: (nanganapa): Eh madam, hindi ko po alam eh.
Titser: Isipin mo lang Bitoy kaya mo yan.
Bitoy: Aha, alam ko na madam. Sus, kaydali naman, eh di syempre – COWCALATOR.
*************************
Penis according to age:
15-25: Laging matigas kahit di hinimas.
26-35: Titigas kapag hinimas.
36-59: Titigas pag matagal hinimas.
60 & above: Titigas ang kamay mo sa kahihimas.
*************************
Si Mr. umuwi at nakita ang wife na naka sexy lingerie.
Wife: Itali mo ako tapos gawin mo ang nais mong gawin.
Tinali ni Mr. ang wife tapos….
Tinira niya ang katulong.
*************************
Erap returns book to the library, bangs it on the table and says, “too many characters, no story at all”.
Librarian: “ah! Kayo po pala kumuha ng telephone directory namin!”.
*************************
Nahulog ang candy sa canal.
Mom: yaan mo na, dirty na yan!
Boy: Opo.
Isang araw....
Pedro: Boy, nahulog momy mo sa kanal tulungan mo!
Boy: Yaan mo na, dirty na yan!
*************************
Lasing sa kanto:
Lasing (nagwawala): Sinong matapang dito sa lugar na ‘to? Lumabas ka ngayon!
Ador: Ako, bakit? Lalaban ka?
Lasing: Uy, Pare, matapang ka pala eh, hatid mo naming ako sa amin baka mapag-tripan ako eh.
*************************
Joey: Pareng Mike, malas ba kapag napostpone ang kasal?
Mike: Ano ka ba Pare, suwerte nga e, lalo na kung di mo gusto ang pakakasalan mo!
*************************
Dan: Alam mo Jenny kapag kasama kita, naaalala ko talaga ang karagatan.
Jenny: Bakit naman Dan, wild at romantic ba talaga ako?
Dan: Hindi. Nasi-sea sick ako!
*************************

Photos of the day


Joke Time 5

Misis: Leopoldo, gusto ko sabihing galit ako at may tampo ako sa’yo!
Polding: Ha? Eh ano nagawa ko?
Misis: Bakit ba pag kumakanta ako lumalabas ka sa balkonahe?
Polding: (sabay akbay sa asawa): Ikaw naman dear, kasi gusto lang naman makita ako ng kapitbahay para malaman nilang hindi kita ginugulpe!
*************************
Eyeball ng textmates:
Girl: Magsusuot ako ng yellow.
Boy: I’ll wear green.
Nagpunta sila sa coffee shop to meet. Dumating ang pangit na babaeng naka-yellow. Walang lalakeng naka-green.
Nilapitan ng babae ang isang lalaking naka-red shirt.
Girl: Excuse me, are you my textmate?
Boy: Hindi, ah! Naka-green ba ako? Hello?!
*************************
Rigor: Oyo, paano mo malalaman kung mag asawa ba o mag-syota ang dalawang tao kapag naglalakad sa kalsada?
Oyo: Hmm. Mahirap yan Rigor. Sige paano?
Rigor: Ang mag-syota holding hands while walking. Ang mag-asawa naman nag-iiwanan while walking.
*************************
Isang estudyante ang nahulihang may dalang kodigo sa klase:
Titser: Ano ito, Igor?
Igor: Naku ma’am prayer ko po yan.
Teacher: Eh bakit answer sa eksamen ang nakasulat?
Igor: Naku salamat, sinagot na ang prayers ko.
*************************
Airport Scene:
Max (gulat): Pareng Isko, bakit ganyan ang itsura mo? Anong nangyari sayo, bakit mukha kang ginulpi sa eroplano?
Isko: Ewan ko nga Pareng Max, nakita ko lang yung kababayan ko sa eroplano.
Max: Isipin mo baka may ginawa kayong mali, Pare.
Isko (naluluwa na): Wala naman, binati ko lang siya ng HI…JACK! Tapos kinuyog na nila ako.
*************************
Sa isang health class:
Teacher: Ricardo, paano mo malalaman na maganda sa mata ang carrots?
Ricardo: Eh ma’m, may nakita ka na bang rabbit na nakasalamin?
*************************
Sa Sauna Bath:
Attendant: Sir, gusto mo thirafi?
Guest: Baka “therapy”?
Attendant: Tirafi po talaga sir. After you THIRA, you give FEE!
*************************
Boy: Mahal kita. I love you! Kahit lindol, sunog, tsunami at bagyo pupuntahan kita sa inyo….
Girl: Bakit ng birthday ako wala ka?
Boy: Ano kasi….umaambon!!!
*************************
Sa English Class:
Teacher: Bitoy, ano ang plural ng salitang ‘woman’?
Bitoy: Wow ang dali. Woman po mam!
Teacher: Magaling. Eh Nita, ano naman ang plural ng ‘child’?
Nita: Ang dali naman mam, eh di Twins!
*************************
Tatangalin na ang 26K girls sa DEAL or NO DEAL. Macho men na ang ipapalit na nakasuot ng brief na may mga numbers. Kaya sasabihin ni Kris, open your brief men!
*************************
Q: What’s the difference between WEDDING DAY and WEDDING NIGHT?
A: On WEDDING DAY the organs are playing….On WEDDING NIGHT, they’re playing with their ORGANS…
*************************
A little boy was showing his family’s photo album to the babysitter. He pointed out a nice picture of his whole family, and she complimented him on how handsome he looked.
He shook his head
and said, “My mom doesn’t like it at all. She said she wants to have it blown up.”
*************************
Man1: My wife is a typical Jew. She only makes love doggy-style.
Man2: Doggy-style? I don’t believe it.
Man1: It’s true. I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead.
*************************
Son: Papa, I like that girl and I want to marry her!
Father: My son, don’t marry that girl because she’s your sister and your mama doesn’t know.
The son goes to the mother:
Son: Mama, I want to marry that girl but Papa said, I should not because she’s my sister and you don’t know.
Mother: My son, marry that girl coz ur papa is not your father, and he doesn’t know.
*************************
Man: I promise I will put in in halfway.
(Man couldn’t control and put it all in).
Woman: WOW! That feels nice, put it all in!
Man: NO! A promise is a promise!
*************************
Wife: Honey, do you think I’m ugly?
Husband: Of course not, dear. You have the face of a saint!
Wife: Really? Saint who?
Husband: St.Bernard!
*************************
Son: Dad, I guess it won’t be long before I have an affair.
Dad: Why’d you say that?
Son: Well, my girlfriend and I held hands for the first time.
Dad: Son, I wouldn’t be concerned about that as holding hands is a long way from having an affair.
Son: Even if you’re both in the shower at the same time?
*************************
A childless wife asked advice how to get pregnant.
Bishop: Did you try praying?
Wife: Yes, nothing happened.
Bishop: Rosary?
Wife: Nightly.
Bishop: Then try one of our “fathers!”.
*************************
Son: Mom, teacher asked me today if I have any brothers or sisters who will also go to school.
Mom: That is nice of her to take such an interest. What did she say when you told her you’re any only child?
Son: She just said, “Thank goodness!”
*************************
Husband: Today is a holiday and I want to have fun, so I brought 3 tickets…
Wife: But why 3?
Husband: For you and your parents.
*************************
3 robbers rush into the bank and order everyone to take off their clothes and lie face down on the floor.
"Turn over, Gloria," whispers her friend, "This is a robbery not the office party."
*************************
Wife: Harry, if we had a four-minute nuclear warning, what would you do?
Harry: I would make love to you.
Wife: Yes. But what about the other two minutes?
*************************

Put a Rubber on Your Stick

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the
nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why
don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus so shut the hell up."

A Woman's Prayer

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man , to love and to forgive him, and for Patience, for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll just beat him to death.

Marriage 101

Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
First guy says, "My wife's an angel!" Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."

Dad and Son on Marriage

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."

A young son asked, "Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

Marriage 4

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

Marriage 3

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted" Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Marriage 2

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

Marriage 1

You have two choices in life:

You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

Senior's Party

Last week our usual group went to a party at our Palm Harbor Senior Center.

The last Thursday of every month they have an evening potluck supper. We usually eat, line dance, schmooze, whatever. Selma Goldstone's grandson is staying with her for a few weeks. Fact is I heard he got in a scrape over some marijuana with the law, way out in Phoenix, and he came east to avoid the heat. Anyway, Selma is known for her delicious Brownies and she always bakes up a quadruple batch for each get-together. She makes enough for everyone and some for folks to take one home for later. For some reason they were extra good this week and every last one of them was eaten. Not a one left over.

Come to find out later, Selma's grandson, Bobby, laced the brownies with some of his marijuana. Knowing this I guess it offers a logical reason for everyone feeling good that night. By the time Maury put on the bunny hop record everyone was in a really good mood and it was the first time the whole place got up and danced. . .


Joke Time 4

Naaksidente ang mag-asawa at sabay silang umakyat sa langit. Bigla na lang nakita ng babae ang lalaki na may kayakap agad na iba.
Babae: Ano ito?! Kadarating pa lang natin sa langit, may iba ka na agad?
Lalake: Eh di ba sabi sa kasal natin, 'till death do us part' lang?
**********

Girl 1: Mare, ano kaya ang pinaguusapan ng mga lalaki kung sila sila?
Girl 2: Gaya din natin, kung tayo tayo lang.
Girl 1: Ang babastos talaga nila ano?
**********

Binata: Miss, pwede ba manligaw sayo?
Dalaga: At bakit? May CRV ka ba? BMW? PAJERO? EXPEDITION?
Binata: Bakit? Ano ba pekpek mo? PARKING LOT?
**********

Anong pagkakaiba ng STRESS, TENSION at PANIC?
STRESS--pag buntis ang asawa.
TENSION--Pag buntis ang girlfriend.
PANIC--kapag buntis ang katulong!
**********

Nanay: Bobo ka talaga 1-10 lang di mo kayang bilangin?
Anak: Mas bobo si Tatay nay, kasi nadinig ko minsan sabi, "Tama na Inday, hanggang tatlo lang kaya ko."
**********

Boss to male employees: To perk up sales, we'll have a contest. The guy with the most sales gets a blowjob!
Employee: ang lowest?
Boss: Natural, sya ang tsutsupa!
**********

Erap: Naiinip na ako sa tinitirahan ko. I-request mo kaya na ilipat ako pero 'yung nakakulong din ako para pumayag sila.
Attorney: San naman?
Erap: Sa 'PINOY Big Brother!'
**********

GRO: Wow, ganda ng brief mo! Design FLAG ng USA.
Guest: Tnx! Sayo FLAG ng JAPAN.
GRO: Hindi ho! MENS ko yan. kalimutan ko lang palit ng PANTY!
**********

The USSR Prime Secretary ordered the soviet scientists to build a telescope he could use to watch the Americans.
So they built and it was beautiful. When Brejnev came to test it, he looked thru it and saw a big city with lots of skyscrapers.
He said, "Is this the New York? Where's that building they call Empire State?"
The scientists pushed some buttons and the Empire State building came to be seen.
"What are those large photos on that building?" asked Brejnev.
The scientists pushed more buttons, and the large photos that came into focus turned out to be those of Marx, Engels and
Lenin; the grandfathers of communism.
"Hey, what happened to the Americans? Are they crazy, showing large photos of our Communist Fathers on their streets? Show
me what the text below says."
More buttons pushed revealed the text below the photos: "Don't grow beards like these! Use Gillette!"
*********

Three blondes are sitting in a café, talking about what to get their boyfriends for Christmas.
"It's funny," said Samantha. "Peter's balls are always cold as ice when I blow him! I think I should get him some ball warmers
for Christmas."
"You know what?" replied Jenny. "It's exactly the same with my Richard!"
They turn to the third blonde, Candi, and asked, "When you blow Chris, are his balls cold, too?"
"Ugh! That's disgusting! I never put Chris's thing in my mouth!" exclaimed Candi.
"You're crazy," Samantha piped up. "A good blowjob is the best way to keep a guy! You should try it! It would make a great
Christmas gift for Chris!"
Candi says she'll think about it. The next time they meet at the café it is Boxing Day and Candi is sporting a wicked shiner.
"Whoa!" the Jenny asked. "How did you get that black eye?"
"Chris hit me when I was blowing him," Candi said.
"What on earth for?" the Jenny asked.
"I don't know," Candi replied. "I was giving him his Christmas present like you two suggested. I mentioned how strange it was
that his balls were so warm, when Pete and Richard's were so cold, and he punched me."
*********

It was mealtime during our trip on a small airline in the Northwest. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked
the man seated in front of me.
"What are my choices?" he asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
*********

George had been a compulsive worrier for years until he found a way to overcome this problem. His friends noticed
the dramatic change.
"You don't seem to be worried about anything anymore."
"I hired a professional worrier for $1000.00 a week," George replied.
"I haven't had a single problem since."
"A thousand a week?" said his friend. "How the hell are you going to pay him?"
"Fuck him. That's his problem."
**********

A little girl walked into the bathroom, saw her father in the shower, and ran to her mother screaming, "Mommy, Mommy!
Daddy has a big ugly worm hanging out of his wee-wee!"
"That isn't a worm, sweetheart," said her mother reassuringly. "That's part of your daddy's body, and a very
important part. If your daddy didn't have one of those, you wouldn't be here."
Pausing thoughtfully, the woman added, "And come to think of it,...neither would I."
**********

A huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach.
"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, and knocked it completely over.
"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"
"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and in just over nine seconds, ran a hundred yard dash.
"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"
The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."
*********

During his freshman year Steve couldn't get home for Christmas.
So he sent his dad a set of inexpensive cuff links
and a note reading: "Dear Dad, This is not much, but it's all you could afford."
*********

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that
night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered, "I thought he was dead."
*********

Nowadays women chase men because of their 5C's:
Condo
Card
Car
Cash &
COCK.
Likewise men chase women for their 5B's:
Boobs
Body
Brain
Butt &
BLOWJOB
**********

What happened when Newton saw a beautiful naked young woman bathing?
Ans: He was confused. He felt something in his pants going against his law of gravity!
**************

A dad asked his dentist to put braces on his daughter's teeth.
Dentist: She has nice teeth. Why do you want to put braces on her?
Dad: To keep the guys from asking her for blowjobs.
**************

Something Stupid










Jome Time 3

An 80 year old man married a young and beautiful lady. After their honeymoon the lady died.
You know why? Because of eating EXPIRED HOTDOG!
***************
Translate to Bisaya:
“You insulted my pride and ego”
“Imong gi-asinan ang akong piniritong etlog”
***************
One night in the garden of eden, after Adam and Eve quarreled….
Adam prayed so fervently: “Lord, make me another woman; total madami pa naman akong ribs!
***************
Bagets: Ale, magkano ho yun inyo?
Beteranang Prosti: P2,000
Bagets: Ano? Mahal ng pekpek nyo eh, tanda nyo na.
Beteranang Prosti: Gago ka pala eh! Kalian ba naging mura ang antique?
***************
Question: Ba’t walang buto o tinik ang titi?
Sagot: Para wala ng hihimayin…subo lang ng subo.
Question: Ba’t kulubot naman ang bayag?
Sagot: Sa konsimisyon, paamoy-amoy lang kasi di nakakapasok!!
***************
Apo: Lola, pupunta lang kami sa tipar.
Lola: Ano bang tipar ang pinagsasabi nyo?
Apo: Tipar is party.
Lola: Puro salitang kanto alam nyo, mga pakingshet kayo!
***************
Doc: ano sakit mo?
Man: Usipna
Doc: Ano yan?
Man: Ubo, Sipon at Lagnat.
Doc: Bili ka ng Susmaryosep.
Man: Ano yun Doc?
Doc: Sustagen, Myracof at Neozep!
***************
Hari: Ano gusto mong parusa sa kasalanan mo? Ipakain
sa leon o pasukan ng bubuyog sa pwet?
Pedro: Pasukan po ng bubuyog sa pwet!
Hari: Mga kawal, ilabas si JOLLIBEE!
***************
(payabangan ng chicks)
Pedro: Ako 20 babae na ang nagamit ko!
Juan: Ako 50 na!
Max: Ako tatlo lang! (tawanan sina Pedro at Juan) ‘yung asawa ko at mga asawa nyo lang!
***************
Boy: Nay, bakit si lolo tuwing dumadaan yung nagtitinda ng ice cream eh lumuluhod?
Nanay: Dati kasing sakristan ang lolo mo.
***************
How to let your Girlfriend pronounce OKOY correctly:
1. Let her kneel in front of you.
2. Put your dickie inside her mouth.
3. Then ask her if she’s okay?
She’ll answer, OKOY!! try mo!!
***************
Man: I'm bothered by my dream. It was the Miss Universe and 50 beautiful women are in swim suits.
Doctor: What’s wrong with that?
Man: I WON!!
***************
A white couple had a black baby. The husband does not believe that it is his baby.
Husband: Why is the baby black?
Wife: You hot…I hot…Baby burn!
***************
Nipple, Nipple little star,
Can I suck you in my car.
Up above your breast so high,
Always milky never dry.
Let me press it don’t be shy.
In the bra it will dry.
***************
Diffrentiate between error and blunder:
When a married womanizes, that’s an error.
When he lets his wife catch him, that’s blunder.
***************
A maid was fired. Before leaving she gave 100 pesos to the family dog.
When asked why she said, “I don’t forget a friend. That was for helping me clean the dishes everyday!
***************
How can you tell a good girl from a bad girl?
A good girl says, “ITS HARD TO BE GOOD!”
A bad girl says, “IT HAS TO BE HARD TO BE GOOD!”
***************
There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married – now he is going through hell!!!
***************
A little kid asks his dad, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?
“No idea”, replied the father. “I'm still paying for it.”
***************
The administration of this particular elementary school decided
to start a more inclusive policy on which words were "bad" words.
Among those initiated to the category was "suck" (when not
referring to the principle of suction).
One day a child came up to the teacher to inform her that one of
the other students had said a bad word.
"What was the bad word he said?" asked the teacher.
"I can't say it."
"It's ok to tell me, you won't get in trouble for it."
"No, it's too bad, I don't want to say it."
"Well I have to know what he said in order to punish him. Can you
tell me what it is without saying it?"
"Well... it rhymes with 'fuck'"
***************
"Good evening ladies," Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three
women eating bananas on a park bench.
"Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asked.
"No," Holmes replied, "I've never met the nun, the prostitute
or the bride we just passed."
"Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?"
"Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding
it one hand while using the fingers of the other hand to
neatly break the fruit into small pieces."
"The prostitute," he continued, "grabbed with both hands and
crammed the entire thing into her mouth."
"Amazing!" Watson exclaimed. "But how did you know the third
was a newlywed?"
"Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it
with the other."
***************
A woman called her husband at work and told him that there was a
bad leak in the kitchen. He told her to call the plumber and
have it fixed.
A few hours later he gave her a call and asked, "Has the plumber
come yet?"
She replied, "Not yet, but I have him breathing hard."
***************
"Sir, your daughter says she loves me, and she can't live
without me, and she wants to marry me."
"And you're asking my permission to marry her?"
"No, I'm asking you to make her leave me the fuck alone."
***************
One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung
Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full
moon, when Huan Cho said, "Hey baby, lets play Wee wee chu!"
"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon," said Jung Lee.
"Oh c'mon baby, lets you and I play Wee wee chu. I love you and
it's the perfect time", Huan Cho begged.
"But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."
"Please Jung Lee, just once play Wee wee chu with me?"
June Lee looked at Huan Cho and said, "Ok we'll play Wee wee
chu."
Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and they both sang: "Wee wee chu
a Merry Christmas, wee wee chu a Merry Christmas wee wee chu
a Merry Christmas and a happy new year."

The World in Seven Pictures

Only in China?
Only in India?
Only in Texas?

Only in Hawai?Only in Thailand?
Only in Mexico?
Only in America?

Sex or Lasagna

The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother. "Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy."

The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..."

"I know how to fuck, mother," the bride-to-be interrupted. "I want you to teach me how to make lasagna."

Big Joe

A guy had a small penis that he's always conscious of and he had a sneaky belief that he doesn't fully satisfy his wife so one day he visited 'BIG Joe' who had he reputation of having the biggest penis in town, “Say, Joe, I have problem I think you can solve,"

What's that, Billy? Billy explained, “well, Billy, I will tell you my secret...every night before bed I will knock my penis three times on the bed post, and that will guarantee you it will grow an inch in a week"

Excited now Billy said he would try it that night. So that night when his wife was asleep, Bill knocked his penis three times on the bedpost. The wife sprung up and said, “Is that you BIG JOE?"

Shakespeare's Delight

A woman was out shopping one day with her son. The boy spotted a man who was bowlegged. The boy pulled on Mom's hand and said,"Momma, look at the bowlegged man!"

Mom was mortified and told her son that it was not polite to point to a person and make that sort of comment. For punishment,the boy had to read a play by Shakespeare. He couldn't go shopping again until he finished reading the play.

Finally he finished and his mom took him once again to the mall.Again he spied a bowlegged man, but remembered what happened the last time. So he pulled on his mother's hand and said, "Lo, what manner of men are these, who wear their balls in parentheses?"

Joke Time 2

Unang pagtatalik ng magkasintahan.
Boyfriend: Hon, sori, pagdating sa bagay na ito, baguhan me at walang alam.
Girlfriend: Ang tanga mo naman, buti pa, paturo ka kay Kaloy! Magaling yun!
************************
CallGirl 1: Kuripot customer ko. Dapat 500 pag pinasok, 400 Blowjob, 300 bate…eh 200 lang pera nya.
CallGirl 2: Ano ginawa mo?
CallGirl 1: Aba, nakita ko 12inches kanya, pinahiram ko ng 300!
************************
GRO: Pogi, gusto mo ng ligaya?
POGI: Only if you can do it the way my wife does.
GRO: Ako pa! How does she make you happy ba?
POGI: Siempre, Walang Bayad!!
************************
Gf: Luv, gusto ko kantahan mo ko habang nagse-sex tayo.
Bf: Ok. I put my tt in, I put my tt out, I’ll poke your poki-poki and shake it all around, and that’s what its all about…..
Gf: Galing! O brutsa naman.
Bf: Lelele Pwe!!!
************************
Pare 1: Bakit gumaganda ang mga babae habang umiinom tayo ng beer?
Pare 2: Kasi there’s a saying “Beauty is in the eyes of the beer holder.”
************************
Host: Ms. Beauty Contestant whats your stand on premarital sex?
Beauty Contestant: Ladies and gentlemen, the question is easy. I don’t stand, I lie down. Thank you!
************************
Confucius says: “Choose a woman with small hands. When she holds your penis, it will look big.
************************
Wife: My husband and I have what he calls “OLYMPIC SEX”.
Friend: Wow! Yours must be a terrific sex life.
Wife: Not really. It happens only ONCE EVERY FOUR YEARS!
************************
Gloria’s happy her name Arroyo and not Macapagal was mispelled.
Asked why, she said, “What if Macapagal was misspelled to Macapidal or Macapal? Then I’ll really be mad.”
************************
100 men were asked their opinions on women’s thighs.
The result: 1% preferred thin thighs. 1% preferred fat thighs, and 98% preferred something IN-BETWEEN!
************************
After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. As they passed by the ruins
of the Garden of Eden, one of the boys asked, "Father, what's that?"
Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."
************************
A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat. "This year," she says,
"I think that I will buy my own present instead of making you and dad shop for me."
"But mom," says the daughter, "some poor, helpless creature has to suffer so that you can have this coat. Don't you think
that's kind of cruel?"
"Don't worry honey," says the mother, "your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks."
************************
A salesman went to the door of a young couple one day and rang the doorbell. After 3 rings and no answer, he assumed
no one was home and decide to leave. He happened to pass by an open window and saw the couple naked on the sofa.
Being a pervert, he peered closer to get a better look. He notice the woman was sitting with her legs wide open, shaving
her pubic area while staring at her husband. He, on the other hand, was naked, stroking himself, shaking his head wildly back
and forth with his free hand splashing in the fish tank.
The salesman was embarrassed when a neighbor walked up and found him peeping. "These people need help!" said the salesman.
"No, they don’t," replied the neighbor. "They’re deaf, and the wife is just telling her husband he needs to cut the grass, but
the husband is telling the wife ‘fuck no! I’m going fishing.’"
************************
The young mother was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I am going to give you
a prescription for some tranquillizers that I want you to start taking regularly."
On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down any?"
"Oh, yes" the mother answered. "They do wonders for me."
"And how is your son now?" he asked.
"Who cares?" she replied.
************************
"Name the elements, Billy," instructed the teacher.
"There's earth and there's air," began the boy, "and then fire and... er ...water ...and...oh, yes - fucking."
The teacher gasped, then recovered herself.
"That filthy thing you named, what ever made you include it?"
"I overheard my mom telling one of her friends," answered Billy, "that when my dad gets to fucking, he's in his element."
************************
With deep concern, Dick noted that his friend Conrad was far drunker than he'd ever seen him before. He walked over to the
bar and asked, "What's the trouble, buddy?"
"It's a woman." replied Conrad. "What else?"
"Tell me about it," coaxed Dick.
"It's your wife."
"My wife? What about her?"
"Well, buddy boy, I'm afraid she's cheating on us."
************************
Bernie was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife
for weeks on end.
Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the
grocery store!"
"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Bernie boy decided to call the grocery store.
A clerk answered and Bernie said, "May I speak with the Vice President of peas, please?"
The clerk replied, "Canned or frozen?"
************************
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green
grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she once could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, the demonstrated the size of two big
onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."
************************
There was a little old lady standing at a corner. She had both hands holding her hat on while the wind blew her dress up around
her face.
A dignified southern gentleman came up and said, "Ma'am, you should be ashamed of yourself, letting your skirt blow around,
being indecent, while both hands hold your hat."
She said, "Look, everything down there is eighty years old; this hat is brand new!"
************************
Morris goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my young wife has turned into a real slut. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar
and picks up men. She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy, Doc! What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down.
Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
************************

Bad Choice

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.

The State of Philippine Criminal Affairs

The NBI (National Bureau of Investigation), the AFP
(Armed Forces of the Philippines), and the PNP
(Philippine National Police) get into an argument
over who is the best at apprehending criminals.

The President decides to test them. She releases a
rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The NBI goes first. They place animal informants
throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive
investigation, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The AFP goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they
burn the forest, killing everything in it. They make
no apologies: "The rabbit deserved it."

The PNP goes in. They come out two hours later with
a badly beaten bear.

The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm
a rabbit."

Joke Time 1

There were three kids on stage reciting their country's alphabet.

Kano: "Ei Bee Si Dih Ee..."

Pinoy: "Ah Bah Ka Da Eh..."

Muslim: "Di Bi Di, Bi Ci Di, Em Pi Tri..."

********************

Boy Abunda: What do you do to have safe sex?

Kris Aquino: My boyfriends have girlfriends or wives so to make sure its safe, I lock the doors.

********************

Jinggoy: Hoy! sinabi mo raw na mukha akong unggoy?

Miriam: Actually what I said was, the mammal orangutan resembles your being.

Jinggoy: Ah ok, liwanagin mo lang para walang gulo.

********************

Pedro: Pare, bakit malungkot ka?

Jose: Asawa ko nag-hire ng driver, Guapo, Macho at Bata!

Pedro: Nagseselos ka?

Jose: Wala lang. Taka lang ako kasi wala kaming sasakyan

********************

A pinoy penitant was confessing to an american priest:

Penitant: "I have commited a grevious sin padre, may kulasisi ako at dalawa pa.

Priest: wait a second (he took the small pilipino english dictionary and found that kulasisi is a parrot). Then he told the penitant, "Its no sin to take care ur 2 kulasisi, its enjoyable and entertaining. If you like, give me one of your kulasisi"

********************

What's the difference between Erap and Mike Arroyo?

Both millionaires, both atenista, both fat, both jose, both stupid and greedy. Pero si Erap, mas ok taste sa babae.

********************

Isang lalaki ang namatay sa sakit sa puso habang nakikipagtalik.

Napag-alaman sa otopsy na nakainom ng viagra. Hanggang ngyaon ay hindi pa rin maipalibing sapagkat hindi maisara ang kabaong.

********************

Anak: Ano po ba ung sex?

Tatay: Ung bang pag nagromansa kami ng nanay mo hanggang maduling ang aming mga mata sa sarap.

Anak: Naku, di kasya yan sa aking biodata.

********************

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: If you love someone, set him/her free. If he/she comes back, tiyak may nakalimutang gamit. Kung hindi na bumalik, naku! Malamang may tinangay.

********************

One change in the Philippine Constitution I will recommend is that elective officials should always serve for two years. ONE in office and ONE in jail.

********************

Client: Magkano room nyo dito?

Cashier: Special o Ordinary?

Client: Anong kaibahan?

Cashier: Special, may TV at masahista. Ordinary, may TB ang masahista!

********************

GMA: Ano ang hanap mo dyan sa supot ng 3 in 1 coffee at kanina ka pa silip ng silip dyan?

ERAP: Hinahanap ko yung libreng asukal!! May nakasulat kasi na "SUGAR FREE"

********************

Ano ang mas una...tsinelas o slippers?

-eh, 'di..."slip-FIRST", tapos yun nang "tsine-LAST"

********************

Reporter: Sir, meron na kayong suspect,witnesses at evidence. Ano po ang next step?

Police: DNA po!

Reporter: Ano ba ibig sabihin ng DNA?

Police: Di Namin Alam!

********************

Fiscal; You say this woman shot her husband at close range?

Witness: Yes, sir, that's right.

Fiscal: Any powder marks on his body?

Witness: Yes, sir, that's why she shot him. May kissmark pa nga eh!

********************

Question: Who designed the lower part of a woman?

Answer: A Negro.

Question: Why so?

Answer: who else would give it curly hair, thick lips and make it smell like AFRICA?

********************

A farmer ordered a milking machine. Tried it on his penis and had a wonderful orgasm but cant remove it. He read the manual and fainted. "AUTO RELEASE AFTER 10 LITERS"

********************

I told the judge that there is a sperm bank that pays P1 million for a donation. He said, "Don't you realize I've let a fortune slip through my fingers!"

********************

One night Santa went down a chimney and saw a pretty girl: Will you stay with me santa?

Santa: hohoho gotta go gotta go deliver this toys to girls and boys.

(she takes off everything)

Santa: gotta stay gotta stay can't get up the chimney with my dick this way.

********************

And GOD said: "Let there be Satan so people don't blame everything on me! And let there be politicians, so people don't blame everything on Satan.

********************

Hyundai industry is very thankful to the 4 US Servicemen for advertising the STAREX! The new name for two 2006 models will be STARAPE 6XL and STARSEX SUPER SALOOON!

********************

Want to lose weight? Try the Italian Pasta diet. Walk pasta da cakeshop, walk pasta da ice creamery, walk pasta da buffet table. And make sure, you walk pasta and pasta!

********************

Jesus failed in his arithmetic class--he insisted that he and the father are one! But in chemistry he excelled--changing water into wine!

********************

I recommend the shampoo "Mane and tail" for horses.It's very good! I tried it for a week, and now I run very fast.

********************

Sex is so much like the english alphabet: you start with a a a a and then you end with Z Z Z Z....

********************

If you think that the shortest route to a man's heart is thru his stomach...that's ancient! That theory had long been gone when...blow job was discovered!!

********************

What do you call a Prostitute, Wife and Girlfriend in Mobile Language?

Prepaid, Post Paid and Demo Card...

********************

A person of intelligence is admired; a person of wealth is envied; a person of power is feared; but a person with a HARD COCK, aba, all of the above yan. Keep it up!

********************

A couple was arguing so loudly in a restaurant that everyone was staring at them. She repeatedly accused him of being unfaithful to her and he kept denying it. Finally in exasperation she exclaimed - now I know how your wife feels!

********************

A man went to a bookstore and saw this huge sign saying "Newly translated from the original French: 37 Mating Positions.

Once safely home, he opened it, out of sight of his wife, and found that he had just purchased an expensive book about Chess.

********************

My Favorite Doctor

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
'If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND......

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans..

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.