Photo of the day

Joke Time 7

Regalo sa kasal:
Tatay: Dahil kapamilya na rin kita, bibigyan ko kayo ng malaking halaga upang magamit na puhunan sa negosyo.
Jorge: Salamat po, Tatay.
Tatay: Eh ano naman kaya ang kapalit ninyo?
Jorge: (nag-isip): Madali lang po yan, bibigyan ho namin kayo agad ng resibo.
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Naranasan ko sumakay sa elevator. Naranasan ko sumakay sa eskelator.
Isa lang ang di ko naranasan………
Ang sumakay sa calculator!! Hirap e, diba?
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Judge: Dahil nanampal ka, ikaw ay pinagmumulta ng 500.
Offender: Opo. May panukli po ba kayo sa 1,000?
Judge: Wala, kaya sampalin mo na lang siya ulit!
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Patient: Will I be able to read after I get eyeglasses?
Doctor: Yes, certainly!
Patient: Thank you , Doc. Alam mo, Doc, no read, no write kasi ako.
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Nanay: Ang lakas mo lumamon! Bwisit kang bata ka!
Anak: Inay bakit ang alaga nating baboy pag malakas kumain masayang masaya kayo.
Sino ba talaga ang anak mo?
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Thought for the day: Lahat ng problema may solusyon. Kapag walang solusyon, huwag mo nang problemahin.
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Malapit na Christmas kung wala magbigay gift say yo, okay lang… kantahan mo pa sya….
boom barat
barat!
boom barat
barat!
baaraa rat!
baaaraaarat!
boom! boom! boom!
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Genie: Dahil pinalaya mo ak, may 3 wishes ka!
Man: Gawin mo ako rich, pero di bayad tax; powerful pero di tatrabaho; notorious pero walang sabit.
Genie: Mula ngayon, ikaw na si MIKE ARROYO!!!
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Boyet: Pare, kagabi hinarana ko yung girlfriend ko.
Poldy: Talaga ang sweet mo naman.
Boyet: Natuwa nya sya e, hinagisan nya ako ng bulaklak mula sa bintana.
Poldy: Talaga! Pero pare, bakit nga pala may bukol sa ulo mo?
Boyet: Ah e kasi hinagis niya pati yung paso.
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Dalawang lasing naglalakad sa riles ng tren:
Lasing 1: Pare, ang hirap nitong hagdan, ang daming steps!
Lasing 2: Di lang yan pare. Ambaba pa ng hawakan.
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Ito na siguro ang pinakamasakit na marinig galing sa tatay mo:
PUNETA KANG BATA KA! Kung alam ko lang na magiging gago ka sana PINAHID NALANG KITA SA TUWALYA!!
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Reporter: Musta po project nyo?
Politician: Tapos na 3 million fabricated classrooms.
Reporter: Pero sabi nila di raw totoo yun?
Politician: Kaya nga fabricated eh.
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Dad: So Son, how’s your grades in school?
Son: Dad! Eh underwater ho kasi.
Dad (nagtataka): Ano’ng ibig mong sabihing underwater, meron ba nun?
Son: Kasi ho dad, ang grades ko eh below C-level!!
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Man: Doc, bakit dinugo sa 1st night ang asawa ko eh dating GRO yan?
(ineksamin ng doc ang Mrs)
Doc: Wala po kayong dapat ikababahala, natuklap lang po ang KALYO!!
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Kumpisalan:
Pari: Ano ikukumpisal mo iha?
Pokpok: Kasi po tuwing nakakarinig ako ng nagmumura inaaya ko siya makipagSEX.
Pari: Amputangna talaga!
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Binigay ko cell # mo sa mga INDIAN friends ko! So you can share your Green Jokes!!:
Mr. Abdul Bayagnani
Mr.Walamani Kikiwani
Mr.Kulani Anghitni
Mr. Burat Liitnyani
Mr.Barat Fivesix Ini
Ms.Susu Laylaymani
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Pagkatapos ng simba:
Jose: Inay, kapag laki ko, gusto kong maging pari.
Inay: Talaga anak? Anong naisip mo at gusto mo nito?
Jose: Kasi po inay, mas masaya naman at di hamak ang tumayo sa harap at mag-sermon kaysa umupo ng isang oras at makinig lang.
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2 Bumbays stood at a distance from each other. How did they communicate?
Remember the red dot on their forehead…?
via Infrared!
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Husband: Di ako makatulog, lagi kong iniisip ang utang ko kay pare na 50 thousand.
Wife: Tawagan mo si pare at sabihin mo di ka makakabayad para siya naman ang di makatulog!
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Mr: Dra. Bakit ho si mrs dalawang beses lang kung makipag-sex sakin sa loob ng 1 buwan?
Dra: Normal ho yan sa mga mrs. Yung iba 4x depende kung ilan beses ang SWELDO.
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Misis: May babae ka, ano?! Umamin ka, sino ‘tong babaeng nasa picture na kayakap mo?
Mister: Ano ka ba bakla ‘yan.
Misis (gulat): Ipinagpalit mo ako sa isang bakla?
Mister: Hindi kita ipinagpalit sa isang bakla ano ka ba. Kung dalawa, pwede pa.
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Man kissing the girlfriend’s lips: oh! It’s Aquafresh.
The girl’s neck: wow, it’s Bulgari.
The girl’s body: hmm, Victoria’s Secret lotion.
Girl’s private part: mmm! DATU PUTI….
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Inday: Bechay bat naman sobrang lungkot mo ngayon, may problema ba?
Bechay: Kasi Inday, sabi nila, ang panget daw, itinadhana para sa maganda at guapo.
Inday: Oo yata. Eh bakit naman?
Bechay: Badtrip kasi eh! Di ibig sahihin, para sa pangit ako.
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Nadia: Marami ang nagtatanong sa akin kung bakit daw lagi akong masaya.
Akala nila, wala akong problema.
Lita: Oo nga Nadia, mukha ka ngang walang problema.
Nadia (ngumiti na lang sabay sabing): Marami akong problema, maganda lang talaga ako kaya hindi halata.
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Sa isang geography class:
Guro: Bitoy, anong meron sa Pangasinan?
Bitoy: Hundred Islands!
Guro: Magaling, eh sa Albay?
Ana: Bulkang Mayon!
Guro: Magaling, eh sa Banaue Lito, anong meron duon?
Lito (hindi sigurado sa sagot): Uhm, Kwan po ma’am, car accessories?
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Dying man’s true words:
Husband: Honey, I'm sorry for doing this to you.
Wife: Hush now Honey, just rest.
Husband: No Honey, I'm concerned.When I'm gone you’ll never find another man like me.
Wife (chuckling): Duh! What makes you think I’d want another man like you?
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In 1964 the first topless bar opened in San Francisco, USA.
The good news is, the bar is still open.
The bad news is, the same girls still work there!
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Employee: I'm sorry for being late Boss. I overslept. I was having a dream about basketball.
Boss: And how did that make you late for work?
Employee: Well, they went overtime.
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In hospital room, a woman was in labour with agony. The husband prayed:
Oh Lord! Please enlarge it for the BABY and tighten it for DADDY!
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Guy negotiated with a prostitute that he would pay by cheque. The cheque bounced.
When she got it from the bank, the reason given was—INSUFFICIENT FUN!
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A despondent fellow seeks the advice of the city’s most fashionable – and expensive – analyst.
“You have acute melancholia,” the analyst informs him. “The circus is in town this week.
Go to it. It may give you some laughs.”
“Your advice is worthless,” mourns the despondent one. “I'm the top clown there.”
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Comparing their churches, the two old maiden ladies are discussing the services, the sermons and their ministers.
“And is your congregation a large one?” asks the first old lady.
“On the contrary,” says the other, “it’s so small that when the minsiter says, ‘Dearly beloved,’, I always blush.”
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Hymie Goldberg feels very sick, so he calls in a specialist. After examining Goldberg, the specialist says, “Yes, I am quite sure I can cure you.”
“How much will it cost?” asks Goldberg weakly.
“My fee,” says the specialist, “will be ninety-seven dollars.”
“I'm afraid,”says Goldberg, “you will have to reduce that a little. I got a better price from the undertakers.”
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Hymie Goldberg knocks on the door of the psychiatric hospital. A nurse answers the door, and he asks whether any of their patients has escaped recently.
“Why do you want to know?” asks the nurse.
“Well,” says Goldberg, “someone has run off with my wife.”
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Man relating how poor he was as a child:
”I was so poor that if I did not wake up with an erection, I had nothing to play with for the rest of the day.”
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The crowded elevator in an old New York building refuses to budge. The operator opens and closes the gates and presses the buttons several times, but still the lift refuses to budge.
Then he again opens the lift, and a very little old lady gets out.
Presto! the elevator begins to ascend, but not before the passengers hear the little old lady exclaim, “It’s not that I weigh so much, but it’s that I have so much on my mind today.”
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Paddy puts five dollars into the collection plate at his church. “What,”
Paddy asks the priest, “happens to all this money?”
“It goes to the Lord,” answers the priest.
“Oh, well,” says Paddy, removing his five dollars from the plate, “I’m seventy-five years old. I’m bound to see the Lord before a young man like you, and I can give it to him personally.”
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Boris Babblebrain, the prosecuting attorney, is striding up and down the courtroom in front of the glamorous blonde witness, Gorgeous Gloria.
“Is it true,” rants Babblebrain, “that on the tenth of July you committed adultery in a snowstorm, while lying across the top of a motorcycle being driven by a one-legged dwarf who was also waving the Polish national flag?”
Gloria looks unblinking into Babblebrain’s eyes, and calmly says, “What was the date again?”
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Several members of the Golden Age Club are being asked, “Why do you think god has permitted you to reach the age of ninety-five?”
Without hesitation one wealthy old lady says, “To test the patience of my relatives.”
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It is that fateful day on Calvary Hill, Jesus has been hanging from his cross for hours, and he is getting weaker and weaker.
Suddenly he sees Moseki, his Polish disciple, among the faces in the crowd below.
“Moseki, come here. I have a message for you and your people.”
Moseki shimmies up the cross, bringing his ear next to Jesus and says, “Yes, Lord, what is the message for us Polacks?”
“The times are dangerous for my Polish disciples,” whispers Jesus, “so until I come back, just play dumb!”
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While on the bus:
Sam: I hate it when I see a girl standing in a bus while I am comfortably seated.
Lily: What do you do?
Sam: I just close my eyes.
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In a geography class:
Teacher: So Kevin, what’s your excuse now for not studying your geography lessons?
Kevin: I was just following what my dad said.
Teacher: And what did he say?
Kevin: Well, dad says the world is changing every day. So I decided to wait until it settles down.
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Teacher: John, your composition on “My Dog” is exactly the same as your brother’s.
Did you copy his?
John: Of course not teacher, it’s just the same dog.
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Dispatcher 9-1-1:
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you asthmatic?
Caller: No.
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
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Bill had been quite the ladies man and player all his life, but now that he was getting up there in age, his doctor was getting concerned about him.
"Bill," advised the doctor, "I can add 15 more years to your life if you will just quit your old routine of wine, women, and song."
Bill thought for a few minutes, then said, "Tell you what doc, I'll settle for five more years and just give up singing."
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Photos of the day


Joke Time 6

Anak: Inay, totoo po ba ang sabi ni Father kanina na tayo’y galing sa alabok at sa alabok din magbabalik?
Ina: Totoo nga iyon, anak.
Anak: Dapat pala Inay, walisin mo na ang ilalim ng kama, baka maging tao yung alabok dun.
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Isang araw, sa opisina ng NBI:
Brando: Excuse me Sir, available na ho ba ang clearance ko?
Clerk (after ilang minutes maghanap): Naku mister, paki follow-up na lang after 5 days, may kapangalan ka kasi eh.
Brando: Ganun ba? Anong pangalan niya?
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Mother Superior: Hala, layas dito sa kumbento?
Madre: Bakit po? Dahil po ba sa paggamit ko ng vibrator?
Mother Superior: Hindi sa ganon. Ayoko lang me nakikialam sa gamit ko!
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Son: Dad, nagpatatoo ako ng Dragon.
Dad: Pangmacho yun ah! Pero bakit sa tiyan? Dapat sa dibdib!
Son: Dad naman, paano makikita ang tatoo ko kung naka bra ako!
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Sexy: Father, kasalanan ba ang di pag suot ng panty?
Father: Oo naman.
Sexy: Paano yan wala akong suot panty ngayon?
Father: Pakita mo iha at mabindisyonan ko.
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Tay: Asensado na talaga anak natin sa U.S. Nagpadala ng picture nakasandal sa kotse. Basahin mo nga sulat sa likod.
Nay: “Itay nagpapasalamat ako kasi kung di dahil sa kotse na ito, natumba na ako sa sobrang gutom”.
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Isang araw, ginabi ng uwi si Mister at inip na inip na nag-iintay si Misis.
Misis (mataas ang boses): Bakit ngayon ka lang ha?! BAKIT NGAYON KA LANG?!
Mister (nag-isip ng isasagot tapos mas tinaasan ang boses): Eh ikaw, bakit kanina ka pa ha?
BAKIT KANINA KA PA?
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Man of steel di ba di tinatablan ng bala at kutsilyo. Bumabaluktot ang karayom sa kanya.
Ito ang tanong: Tuli ba sya? Pano sya tutuliin?
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Atty: Gaano ka katagal pinagsamantalahan ng nasasakdal?
Girl: Mga 5 oras po.
Atty: 5 oras kang ginahasa?
Girl: Kasama na po dun…shower, blowjob, kain, konting pahinga.
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Pari: Hija, alam mo ba? Kasalanan sa diyos ang nagbebenta ng laman.
Gro: Alam ko po father, pero sino naman po ang bibili kung magbebenta ako ng buto?
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Babae: Sigurado ka bang mahal na mahal mo ako?
Lalake: Oo naman, ito talaga oh. Katunayan pag gising ko pa lang sa umaga naiisip na agad kita.
Babe: Sus, ikaw talaga oh. Sige nga kung tanda mo pa, anong pangalan ko?
Lalake: Jingle.
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Question: How can you tell if a batang bumbay has turned into an adult?
Answer: When he starts wearing his diaper around his head!!!
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Pari: Ang mga bakla ay walang lugar sa kaharian ng langit.
Bakla: Hay! Carry lang yan father. Doon na lang kami sa rainbow mag slide-slide!
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Man: Neng, anong pangalan mo?
Gro: PAQUITA po!
Man: Aba, antigo na yang pangalan mo! Bihira nang may ganyang pangalan.
Sino yung mga
kasama mo?
Gro: Yung nakaputi si PAHIPO. Yung naka-stripe si PATUWAD at yung manager na bugaw si PASINGIL! E, kayo po ba si PAPATOL?
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Inday: Mam, magpapaalam na po ako. Uuwi na po ako sa probinsya!
Mam: Nagpaalam ka na ba sa Sir mo?
Inday: Nauna na po siya, doon na daw po kami magkita.
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Mag-asawa nag-aaway tungkol sa pera:
Lalaki (galit na galit): Walanghiya ka, kung hindi dahil sa pera ko eh wala itong bahay natin ngayon!
Mrs (galit na galit din): Ano ka! Kung hindi sa pera mo, eh wala ako dito!
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Girl: Maganda ba ako?
Boy: Oo kaya lang bumbayin ka…
Girl: Hindi naman ako mukhang bumbay ah. Tisay yata to!
Boy: Tanga! Ung AMOY mo bumbayin!
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Teacher: Juan, please use FACT thrice in a sentence.
Nag-isip ng malalim si Juan…..
Juan: As a matter of fact, the birds can’t fly without fact fact.
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Sa math class:
Teacher: Juan, kung ako’y may 5 anak sa unang asawa at 10 sa pangalawa, samakatuwid meron akong….?
Juan: Ma’am, pekpek. Malaking malaking pekpek!
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2 lasing ang nagtatalo:
Toryong Lasing: Ingo, bakit mo kinakatok yung poste, walang tao dyan cra. Hik!
Ingong Lasing: Cra ka pala Toryo, kita mo ng may ilaw eh, eh di may tao.
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May isang kano na naglalakad. Nakita ni Juan na bukas ang bag niya.
Juan: Pedro, sabihin mo dun sa kano bukas ang bag niya!
Pedro: Hey men! Ur bag is tomorrow!!
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Sa classroom ng Grade 3 ng mga estudyante ay may recitation:
Teacher: Ramon, tumayo ka. Ano ang masasabi mo sa ating mga bayani?
Ramon (kunyaring nag-iisip): Ah, mam, alam ko na. Lahat sila ay patay na.
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Sa math class:
Teacher: Bitoy, ano ang ginagamit na paraan para madali mong mabilang ang madaming madaming cows?
Bitoy: (nanganapa): Eh madam, hindi ko po alam eh.
Titser: Isipin mo lang Bitoy kaya mo yan.
Bitoy: Aha, alam ko na madam. Sus, kaydali naman, eh di syempre – COWCALATOR.
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Penis according to age:
15-25: Laging matigas kahit di hinimas.
26-35: Titigas kapag hinimas.
36-59: Titigas pag matagal hinimas.
60 & above: Titigas ang kamay mo sa kahihimas.
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Si Mr. umuwi at nakita ang wife na naka sexy lingerie.
Wife: Itali mo ako tapos gawin mo ang nais mong gawin.
Tinali ni Mr. ang wife tapos….
Tinira niya ang katulong.
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Erap returns book to the library, bangs it on the table and says, “too many characters, no story at all”.
Librarian: “ah! Kayo po pala kumuha ng telephone directory namin!”.
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Nahulog ang candy sa canal.
Mom: yaan mo na, dirty na yan!
Boy: Opo.
Isang araw....
Pedro: Boy, nahulog momy mo sa kanal tulungan mo!
Boy: Yaan mo na, dirty na yan!
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Lasing sa kanto:
Lasing (nagwawala): Sinong matapang dito sa lugar na ‘to? Lumabas ka ngayon!
Ador: Ako, bakit? Lalaban ka?
Lasing: Uy, Pare, matapang ka pala eh, hatid mo naming ako sa amin baka mapag-tripan ako eh.
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Joey: Pareng Mike, malas ba kapag napostpone ang kasal?
Mike: Ano ka ba Pare, suwerte nga e, lalo na kung di mo gusto ang pakakasalan mo!
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Dan: Alam mo Jenny kapag kasama kita, naaalala ko talaga ang karagatan.
Jenny: Bakit naman Dan, wild at romantic ba talaga ako?
Dan: Hindi. Nasi-sea sick ako!
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Photos of the day


Joke Time 5

Misis: Leopoldo, gusto ko sabihing galit ako at may tampo ako sa’yo!
Polding: Ha? Eh ano nagawa ko?
Misis: Bakit ba pag kumakanta ako lumalabas ka sa balkonahe?
Polding: (sabay akbay sa asawa): Ikaw naman dear, kasi gusto lang naman makita ako ng kapitbahay para malaman nilang hindi kita ginugulpe!
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Eyeball ng textmates:
Girl: Magsusuot ako ng yellow.
Boy: I’ll wear green.
Nagpunta sila sa coffee shop to meet. Dumating ang pangit na babaeng naka-yellow. Walang lalakeng naka-green.
Nilapitan ng babae ang isang lalaking naka-red shirt.
Girl: Excuse me, are you my textmate?
Boy: Hindi, ah! Naka-green ba ako? Hello?!
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Rigor: Oyo, paano mo malalaman kung mag asawa ba o mag-syota ang dalawang tao kapag naglalakad sa kalsada?
Oyo: Hmm. Mahirap yan Rigor. Sige paano?
Rigor: Ang mag-syota holding hands while walking. Ang mag-asawa naman nag-iiwanan while walking.
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Isang estudyante ang nahulihang may dalang kodigo sa klase:
Titser: Ano ito, Igor?
Igor: Naku ma’am prayer ko po yan.
Teacher: Eh bakit answer sa eksamen ang nakasulat?
Igor: Naku salamat, sinagot na ang prayers ko.
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Airport Scene:
Max (gulat): Pareng Isko, bakit ganyan ang itsura mo? Anong nangyari sayo, bakit mukha kang ginulpi sa eroplano?
Isko: Ewan ko nga Pareng Max, nakita ko lang yung kababayan ko sa eroplano.
Max: Isipin mo baka may ginawa kayong mali, Pare.
Isko (naluluwa na): Wala naman, binati ko lang siya ng HI…JACK! Tapos kinuyog na nila ako.
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Sa isang health class:
Teacher: Ricardo, paano mo malalaman na maganda sa mata ang carrots?
Ricardo: Eh ma’m, may nakita ka na bang rabbit na nakasalamin?
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Sa Sauna Bath:
Attendant: Sir, gusto mo thirafi?
Guest: Baka “therapy”?
Attendant: Tirafi po talaga sir. After you THIRA, you give FEE!
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Boy: Mahal kita. I love you! Kahit lindol, sunog, tsunami at bagyo pupuntahan kita sa inyo….
Girl: Bakit ng birthday ako wala ka?
Boy: Ano kasi….umaambon!!!
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Sa English Class:
Teacher: Bitoy, ano ang plural ng salitang ‘woman’?
Bitoy: Wow ang dali. Woman po mam!
Teacher: Magaling. Eh Nita, ano naman ang plural ng ‘child’?
Nita: Ang dali naman mam, eh di Twins!
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Tatangalin na ang 26K girls sa DEAL or NO DEAL. Macho men na ang ipapalit na nakasuot ng brief na may mga numbers. Kaya sasabihin ni Kris, open your brief men!
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Q: What’s the difference between WEDDING DAY and WEDDING NIGHT?
A: On WEDDING DAY the organs are playing….On WEDDING NIGHT, they’re playing with their ORGANS…
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A little boy was showing his family’s photo album to the babysitter. He pointed out a nice picture of his whole family, and she complimented him on how handsome he looked.
He shook his head
and said, “My mom doesn’t like it at all. She said she wants to have it blown up.”
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Man1: My wife is a typical Jew. She only makes love doggy-style.
Man2: Doggy-style? I don’t believe it.
Man1: It’s true. I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead.
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Son: Papa, I like that girl and I want to marry her!
Father: My son, don’t marry that girl because she’s your sister and your mama doesn’t know.
The son goes to the mother:
Son: Mama, I want to marry that girl but Papa said, I should not because she’s my sister and you don’t know.
Mother: My son, marry that girl coz ur papa is not your father, and he doesn’t know.
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Man: I promise I will put in in halfway.
(Man couldn’t control and put it all in).
Woman: WOW! That feels nice, put it all in!
Man: NO! A promise is a promise!
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Wife: Honey, do you think I’m ugly?
Husband: Of course not, dear. You have the face of a saint!
Wife: Really? Saint who?
Husband: St.Bernard!
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Son: Dad, I guess it won’t be long before I have an affair.
Dad: Why’d you say that?
Son: Well, my girlfriend and I held hands for the first time.
Dad: Son, I wouldn’t be concerned about that as holding hands is a long way from having an affair.
Son: Even if you’re both in the shower at the same time?
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A childless wife asked advice how to get pregnant.
Bishop: Did you try praying?
Wife: Yes, nothing happened.
Bishop: Rosary?
Wife: Nightly.
Bishop: Then try one of our “fathers!”.
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Son: Mom, teacher asked me today if I have any brothers or sisters who will also go to school.
Mom: That is nice of her to take such an interest. What did she say when you told her you’re any only child?
Son: She just said, “Thank goodness!”
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Husband: Today is a holiday and I want to have fun, so I brought 3 tickets…
Wife: But why 3?
Husband: For you and your parents.
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3 robbers rush into the bank and order everyone to take off their clothes and lie face down on the floor.
"Turn over, Gloria," whispers her friend, "This is a robbery not the office party."
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Wife: Harry, if we had a four-minute nuclear warning, what would you do?
Harry: I would make love to you.
Wife: Yes. But what about the other two minutes?
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