Spaghetti

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several
years . One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him
she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage,
he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly
have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise The child, he would also
provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep
it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti"
on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said.

The wife watched as her husband read the card; he turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with
meatballs, one without."

How to Call the Police

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Joke Time

Regalo sa kasal:
Tatay: Dahil kapamilya na rin kita, bibigyan ko kayo ng malaking halaga upang magamit na puhunan sa negosyo.
Jorge: Salamat po, Tatay.
Tatay: Eh ano naman kaya ang kapalit ninyo?
Jorge: (nag-isip): Madali lang po yan, bibigyan ho namin kayo agad ng resibo.
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Naranasan ko sumakay sa elevator. Naranasan ko sumakay sa eskelator.
Isa lang ang di ko naranasan………
Ang sumakay sa calculator!! Hirap e, diba?
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Judge: Dahil nanampal ka, ikaw ay pinagmumulta ng 500.
Offender: Opo. May panukli po ba kayo sa 1,000?
Judge: Wala, kaya sampalin mo na lang siya ulit!
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Patient: Will I be able to read after I get eyeglasses?
Doctor: Yes, certainly!
Patient: Thank you , Doc. Alam mo, Doc, no read, no write kasi ako.
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Nanay: Ang lakas mo lumamon! Bwisit kang bata ka!
Anak: Inay bakit ang alaga nating baboy pag malakas kumain masayang masaya kayo.
Sino ba talaga ang anak mo?
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Thought for the day: Lahat ng problema may solusyon. Kapag walang solusyon, huwag mo nang problemahin.
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Malapit na Christmas kung wala magbigay gift say yo, okay lang… kantahan mo pa sya….
boom barat
barat!
boom barat
barat!
baaraa rat!
baaaraaarat!
boom! boom! boom!
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Genie: Dahil pinalaya mo ak, may 3 wishes ka!
Man: Gawin mo ako rich, pero di bayad tax; powerful pero di tatrabaho; notorious pero walang sabit.
Genie: Mula ngayon, ikaw na si MIKE ARROYO!!!
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Boyet: Pare, kagabi hinarana ko yung girlfriend ko.
Poldy: Talaga ang sweet mo naman.
Boyet: Natuwa nya sya e, hinagisan nya ako ng bulaklak mula sa bintana.
Poldy: Talaga! Pero pare, bakit nga pala may bukol sa ulo mo?
Boyet: Ah e kasi hinagis niya pati yung paso.
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Dalawang lasing naglalakad sa riles ng tren:
Lasing 1: Pare, ang hirap nitong hagdan, ang daming steps!
Lasing 2: Di lang yan pare. Ambaba pa ng hawakan.
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Ito na siguro ang pinakamasakit na marinig galing sa tatay mo:
PUNETA KANG BATA KA! Kung alam ko lang na magiging gago ka sana PINAHID NALANG KITA SA TUWALYA!!
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Reporter: Musta po project nyo?
Politician: Tapos na 3 million fabricated classrooms.
Reporter: Pero sabi nila di raw totoo yun?
Politician: Kaya nga fabricated eh.
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Dad: So Son, how’s your grades in school?
Son: Dad! Eh underwater ho kasi.
Dad (nagtataka): Ano’ng ibig mong sabihing underwater, meron ba nun?
Son: Kasi ho dad, ang grades ko eh below C-level!!
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Man: Doc, bakit dinugo sa 1st night ang asawa ko eh dating GRO yan?
(ineksamin ng doc ang Mrs)
Doc: Wala po kayong dapat ikababahala, natuklap lang po ang KALYO!!
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Kumpisalan:
Pari: Ano ikukumpisal mo iha?
Pokpok: Kasi po tuwing nakakarinig ako ng nagmumura inaaya ko siya makipagSEX.
Pari: Amputangna talaga!
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Binigay ko cell # mo sa mga INDIAN friends ko! So you can share your Green Jokes!!:
Mr. Abdul Bayagnani
Mr.Walamani Kikiwani
Mr.Kulani Anghitni
Mr. Burat Liitnyani
Mr.Barat Fivesix Ini
Ms.Susu Laylaymani
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Pagkatapos ng simba:
Jose: Inay, kapag laki ko, gusto kong maging pari.
Inay: Talaga anak? Anong naisip mo at gusto mo nito?
Jose: Kasi po inay, mas masaya naman at di hamak ang tumayo sa harap at mag-sermon kaysa umupo ng isang oras at makinig lang.
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2 Bumbays stood at a distance from each other. How did they communicate?
Remember the red dot on their forehead…?
via Infrared!
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Husband: Di ako makatulog, lagi kong iniisip ang utang ko kay pare na 50 thousand.
Wife: Tawagan mo si pare at sabihin mo di ka makakabayad para siya naman ang di makatulog!
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Mr: Dra. Bakit ho si mrs dalawang beses lang kung makipag-sex sakin sa loob ng 1 buwan?
Dra: Normal ho yan sa mga mrs. Yung iba 4x depende kung ilan beses ang SWELDO.
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Misis: May babae ka, ano?! Umamin ka, sino ‘tong babaeng nasa picture na kayakap mo?
Mister: Ano ka ba bakla ‘yan.
Misis (gulat): Ipinagpalit mo ako sa isang bakla?
Mister: Hindi kita ipinagpalit sa isang bakla ano ka ba. Kung dalawa, pwede pa.
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Man kissing the girlfriend’s lips: oh! It’s Aquafresh.
The girl’s neck: wow, it’s Bulgari.
The girl’s body: hmm, Victoria’s Secret lotion.
Girl’s private part: mmm! DATU PUTI….
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Inday: Bechay bat naman sobrang lungkot mo ngayon, may problema ba?
Bechay: Kasi Inday, sabi nila, ang panget daw, itinadhana para sa maganda at guapo.
Inday: Oo yata. Eh bakit naman?
Bechay: Badtrip kasi eh! Di ibig sahihin, para sa pangit ako.
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Nadia: Marami ang nagtatanong sa akin kung bakit daw lagi akong masaya.
Akala nila, wala akong problema.
Lita: Oo nga Nadia, mukha ka ngang walang problema.
Nadia (ngumiti na lang sabay sabing): Marami akong problema, maganda lang talaga ako kaya hindi halata.
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Sa isang geography class:
Guro: Bitoy, anong meron sa Pangasinan?
Bitoy: Hundred Islands!
Guro: Magaling, eh sa Albay?
Ana: Bulkang Mayon!
Guro: Magaling, eh sa Banaue Lito, anong meron duon?
Lito (hindi sigurado sa sagot): Uhm, Kwan po ma’am, car accessories?
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Dying man’s true words:
Husband: Honey, I'm sorry for doing this to you.
Wife: Hush now Honey, just rest.
Husband: No Honey, I'm concerned.When I'm gone you’ll never find another man like me.
Wife (chuckling): Duh! What makes you think I’d want another man like you?
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In 1964 the first topless bar opened in San Francisco, USA.
The good news is, the bar is still open.
The bad news is, the same girls still work there!
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Joke Time

Employee: I'm sorry for being late Boss. I overslept. I was having a dream about basketball.
Boss: And how did that make you late for work?
Employee: Well, they went overtime.
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In hospital room, a woman was in labour with agony. The husband prayed:
Oh Lord! Please enlarge it for the BABY and tighten it for DADDY!
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Guy negotiated with a prostitute that he would pay by cheque. The cheque bounced.
When she got it from the bank, the reason given was—INSUFFICIENT FUN!
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A despondent fellow seeks the advice of the city’s most fashionable – and expensive – analyst.
“You have acute melancholia,” the analyst informs him. “The circus is in town this week.
Go to it. It may give you some laughs.”
“Your advice is worthless,” mourns the despondent one. “I'm the top clown there.”
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Comparing their churches, the two old maiden ladies are discussing the services, the sermons and their ministers.
“And is your congregation a large one?” asks the first old lady.
“On the contrary,” says the other, “it’s so small that when the minsiter says, ‘Dearly beloved,’, I always blush.”
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Hymie Goldberg feels very sick, so he calls in a specialist. After examining Goldberg, the specialist says, “Yes, I am quite sure I can cure you.”
“How much will it cost?” asks Goldberg weakly.
“My fee,” says the specialist, “will be ninety-seven dollars.”
“I'm afraid,”says Goldberg, “you will have to reduce that a little. I got a better price from the undertakers.”
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Hymie Goldberg knocks on the door of the psychiatric hospital. A nurse answers the door, and he asks whether any of their patients has escaped recently.
“Why do you want to know?” asks the nurse.
“Well,” says Goldberg, “someone has run off with my wife.”
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Man relating how poor he was as a child:
”I was so poor that if I did not wake up with an erection, I had nothing to play with for the rest of the day.”
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The crowded elevator in an old New York building refuses to budge. The operator opens and closes the gates and presses the buttons several times, but still the lift refuses to budge.
Then he again opens the lift, and a very little old lady gets out.
Presto! the elevator begins to ascend, but not before the passengers hear the little old lady exclaim, “It’s not that I weigh so much, but it’s that I have so much on my mind today.”
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Paddy puts five dollars into the collection plate at his church. “What,”
Paddy asks the priest, “happens to all this money?”
“It goes to the Lord,” answers the priest.
“Oh, well,” says Paddy, removing his five dollars from the plate, “I’m seventy-five years old. I’m bound to see the Lord before a young man like you, and I can give it to him personally.”
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Boris Babblebrain, the prosecuting attorney, is striding up and down the courtroom in front of the glamorous blonde witness, Gorgeous Gloria.
“Is it true,” rants Babblebrain, “that on the tenth of July you committed adultery in a snowstorm, while lying across the top of a motorcycle being driven by a one-legged dwarf who was also waving the Polish national flag?”
Gloria looks unblinking into Babblebrain’s eyes, and calmly says, “What was the date again?”
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Several members of the Golden Age Club are being asked, “Why do you think god has permitted you to reach the age of ninety-five?”
Without hesitation one wealthy old lady says, “To test the patience of my relatives.”
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It is that fateful day on Calvary Hill, Jesus has been hanging from his cross for hours, and he is getting weaker and weaker.
Suddenly he sees Moseki, his Polish disciple, among the faces in the crowd below.
“Moseki, come here. I have a message for you and your people.”
Moseki shimmies up the cross, bringing his ear next to Jesus and says, “Yes, Lord, what is the message for us Polacks?”
“The times are dangerous for my Polish disciples,” whispers Jesus, “so until I come back, just play dumb!”
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While on the bus:
Sam: I hate it when I see a girl standing in a bus while I am comfortably seated.
Lily: What do you do?
Sam: I just close my eyes.
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In a geography class:
Teacher: So Kevin, what’s your excuse now for not studying your geography lessons?
Kevin: I was just following what my dad said.
Teacher: And what did he say?
Kevin: Well, dad says the world is changing every day. So I decided to wait until it settles down.
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Teacher: John, your composition on “My Dog” is exactly the same as your brother’s.
Did you copy his?
John: Of course not teacher, it’s just the same dog.
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Dispatcher 9-1-1:
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you asthmatic?
Caller: No.
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
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Bill had been quite the ladies man and player all his life, but now that he was getting up there in age, his doctor was getting concerned about him.
"Bill," advised the doctor, "I can add 15 more years to your life if you will just quit your old routine of wine, women, and song."
Bill thought for a few minutes, then said, "Tell you what doc, I'll settle for five more years and just give up singing."
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Photo of the Day

Dowry

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a spot on their foreheads. We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their religion.

The true story has recently been revealed by the Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the spot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States.

If not, he must take a job in India answering telephones giving technical support or other customer service for an American corporation.