Joke Time

Employee: I'm sorry for being late Boss. I overslept. I was having a dream about basketball.
Boss: And how did that make you late for work?
Employee: Well, they went overtime.
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In hospital room, a woman was in labour with agony. The husband prayed:
Oh Lord! Please enlarge it for the BABY and tighten it for DADDY!
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Guy negotiated with a prostitute that he would pay by cheque. The cheque bounced.
When she got it from the bank, the reason given was—INSUFFICIENT FUN!
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A despondent fellow seeks the advice of the city’s most fashionable – and expensive – analyst.
“You have acute melancholia,” the analyst informs him. “The circus is in town this week.
Go to it. It may give you some laughs.”
“Your advice is worthless,” mourns the despondent one. “I'm the top clown there.”
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Comparing their churches, the two old maiden ladies are discussing the services, the sermons and their ministers.
“And is your congregation a large one?” asks the first old lady.
“On the contrary,” says the other, “it’s so small that when the minsiter says, ‘Dearly beloved,’, I always blush.”
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Hymie Goldberg feels very sick, so he calls in a specialist. After examining Goldberg, the specialist says, “Yes, I am quite sure I can cure you.”
“How much will it cost?” asks Goldberg weakly.
“My fee,” says the specialist, “will be ninety-seven dollars.”
“I'm afraid,”says Goldberg, “you will have to reduce that a little. I got a better price from the undertakers.”
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Hymie Goldberg knocks on the door of the psychiatric hospital. A nurse answers the door, and he asks whether any of their patients has escaped recently.
“Why do you want to know?” asks the nurse.
“Well,” says Goldberg, “someone has run off with my wife.”
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Man relating how poor he was as a child:
”I was so poor that if I did not wake up with an erection, I had nothing to play with for the rest of the day.”
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The crowded elevator in an old New York building refuses to budge. The operator opens and closes the gates and presses the buttons several times, but still the lift refuses to budge.
Then he again opens the lift, and a very little old lady gets out.
Presto! the elevator begins to ascend, but not before the passengers hear the little old lady exclaim, “It’s not that I weigh so much, but it’s that I have so much on my mind today.”
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Paddy puts five dollars into the collection plate at his church. “What,”
Paddy asks the priest, “happens to all this money?”
“It goes to the Lord,” answers the priest.
“Oh, well,” says Paddy, removing his five dollars from the plate, “I’m seventy-five years old. I’m bound to see the Lord before a young man like you, and I can give it to him personally.”
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Boris Babblebrain, the prosecuting attorney, is striding up and down the courtroom in front of the glamorous blonde witness, Gorgeous Gloria.
“Is it true,” rants Babblebrain, “that on the tenth of July you committed adultery in a snowstorm, while lying across the top of a motorcycle being driven by a one-legged dwarf who was also waving the Polish national flag?”
Gloria looks unblinking into Babblebrain’s eyes, and calmly says, “What was the date again?”
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Several members of the Golden Age Club are being asked, “Why do you think god has permitted you to reach the age of ninety-five?”
Without hesitation one wealthy old lady says, “To test the patience of my relatives.”
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It is that fateful day on Calvary Hill, Jesus has been hanging from his cross for hours, and he is getting weaker and weaker.
Suddenly he sees Moseki, his Polish disciple, among the faces in the crowd below.
“Moseki, come here. I have a message for you and your people.”
Moseki shimmies up the cross, bringing his ear next to Jesus and says, “Yes, Lord, what is the message for us Polacks?”
“The times are dangerous for my Polish disciples,” whispers Jesus, “so until I come back, just play dumb!”
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While on the bus:
Sam: I hate it when I see a girl standing in a bus while I am comfortably seated.
Lily: What do you do?
Sam: I just close my eyes.
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In a geography class:
Teacher: So Kevin, what’s your excuse now for not studying your geography lessons?
Kevin: I was just following what my dad said.
Teacher: And what did he say?
Kevin: Well, dad says the world is changing every day. So I decided to wait until it settles down.
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Teacher: John, your composition on “My Dog” is exactly the same as your brother’s.
Did you copy his?
John: Of course not teacher, it’s just the same dog.
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Dispatcher 9-1-1:
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you asthmatic?
Caller: No.
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
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Bill had been quite the ladies man and player all his life, but now that he was getting up there in age, his doctor was getting concerned about him.
"Bill," advised the doctor, "I can add 15 more years to your life if you will just quit your old routine of wine, women, and song."
Bill thought for a few minutes, then said, "Tell you what doc, I'll settle for five more years and just give up singing."
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