Funny Quotes by Great Minds

1. Every man should get married some time; after all,happiness is not the only thing in life!!
--Anonymous

2.Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.
--Oscar Wilde


3. Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
--Scottish Proverb

4. I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
--Sam Kinison

5. A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.
--Anonymous

6. Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too.
--H. L. Mencken

7. Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.
--H. L. Mencken

8. "A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle."
- U2

9.Marriage is a three-ring circus:
--engagement ring
---wedding ring
---suffering

10.When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why. When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.

11.Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

12.When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

13. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back to home always.
--Anonymous

14. I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Some where I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
--Anonymous

15. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops
16. My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
--Anonymous

17.She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
--Anonymous

18. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in."
--Anonymous

19. Badd Teddy recently explained to me why he refuses to get to married. He says "the wedding rings look like minature handcuffs....."
--Anonymous

20. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife yelling at the frontdoor, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course... at least he'll shut up after u let him in!
--Anonymous

Mourning

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly parted mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did u have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain in is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so Deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied "My wife's first husband."

Wishing Well

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled " It really works !

Male - Female Dictionary

[1] THINGY (thing-ee) n.Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

[2] VULNERABLE (vul-NE-Ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a cup.

[3] COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-in- Kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

[4] COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

[5] ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn- ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

[6] FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male: A source of entertainment, self-_expression, male bonding.

[7] REMOTE CONTROL (RI-moht kon-troh l) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

[8] He said, She said
He said: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said: You wear pants don't you?

He said: Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said: That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit
On the sofa and fart!

He said: What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said: Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said: We don't know; it has never happened.

He said: Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

My way:

A woman's husband dies, and while at the funeral home watching the
Mortician prepare her husband for final internment, she asked if he
Would cut off her husbands dick for her.

The mortician thought this to be an odd request, but since it was her
Husband, he complied with her wishes and cut it off and gave it to
Her.

She wrapped it up and took it home. When she got home, she pulled out
A frying pan, threw some chopped onions, garlic, green peppers, and
Some butter into the pan, and started cutting up the dick.

Her neighbor walked in at this point and saw what she was doing, and
Asked, "What are you doing with *that*??!!"

The woman replied, "Hey, for 35 years I ate it his way, now I'm gonna
Eat it my way!"

Rolex Watch?

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed.

"Grandson I wanna you lisin to me. I wanna for you to take my
Chromeplated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But Grandpa I really don't like guns so how about you leaving me
Your Rolex watch instead."

"You lisina to me, soma day you goin a be runna DA bussiness, you goina

Have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambino.
Soma day you goina coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man.

What you gonna do then? Point to you watch and say 'TIME'S UP'?"

Famous Lines

"pinapaikot mo lang ako.
Nagsasawa na ako.
Mabuti pang patayin mo na lang ako"

- electric fan

"hindi lahat ng walang salawal ay bastos! "

-winnie d' pooh

"Alam mo ba wala akong ibang hinangad
kundi ang mapalapit sa iyo.
Pero patuloy ang pag-iwas mo"

-ipis

"Hala! sige magpakasasa ka!
Alam ko namang katawan ko lang ang habol mo."

-hipon

"Ayoko na! pag nagmamahal ako lagi na lang
maraming tao ang nagagalit! wala ba akong
karapatang magmahal?!?"
-gasolina


"Hindi lahat ng green ay masustansya."

-plema

"Hindi ko hinahangad na ipagmalaki mo na ako'y sau
ayoko ko lang naman na sa harap ng maraming tao
ganun mo na lang ako itanggi.."

- utot

"Sawang sawa na ako palagi nalang akong pinagpapasa-pasahan, pagod na pagod na ako."

-Bola

"you never know what you have till you lose it.
And once you lose it, you can never get it back"

-snatcher

"Hindi lahat ng pink, KIKAY!"

-majinboo

"Ginawa ko naman lahat para sumaya ka mahirap
ba talagang makontento sa isa?
bakit palipat-lipat ka?
-TV

"hindi lahat ng maasim may vitamin c"

-kili kili

Sige, batihin mo ako.... Sigeee.....BATEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

- omelette

pilitin mo man na alisin ako sa buhay mo,
babalik at babalik ako!

-libag


Anung kasalanan ko sayo, iniwan m nalang akong duguan...

-Napkin


"wag mo na akong bilugin.."

-kulangot


Hindi lahat ng hinog, matamisis.

-pigsa


Paano tayo makakabuo kung hindi ako papatong sa iyo?

-Lego


Punyetang Buhay to! Itlog itlog! Araw2 na lang itlog!
-Brief

Wala naman akong ginawa sa kanya! Hindi na nga ako
gumalaw dito.
Ako na nga yun natapakan, siya pa yun galit.. bakit ganun?

-Tae

Cge kalimutan mo ako para malaman ng iba ang baho mo!

-deodorant

hindi lahat ng dugo puedeng idonate"

- regla

Senior Date

Grandpa and Grandma always got very excited when they recalled the old days they were together. They made a decision, one day to make it "yesterday once more". They made a date on the riverbank they used to go when they were young. The next day, Grandpa got up 6 a.m. In the morning, dashed to the bank, picked up a big bunch of wild flowers before sunrise, waited there for his sweetheart to come. But grandpa ended in disappointment grandma never showed up even after sunset.

Grandpa went home in such anger. He opened the door, seeing grandma lying on the sofa with her pillow. He threw the flowers on the floor and questioned: "Why didn't you come to our date?"

Grandma hid her head in the pillow and replied shyly: "Mom didn't allow me to go..."

Viagra Extra Strength

Crash, the Biker, walks into a pharmacy & says to the pharmacist,
"Listen, I have three biker babes coming over tonight. I've never had
Three biker babes at once, & I need something to keep me horny, keep
Me potent."

The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer &
Takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra Extra
Strength" & says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go NUTS for 12
Hours!"

The next day, Crash rides down to the same pharmacy, walks right up
To the same pharmacist & pulls down his pants.

The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices that Crash's Johnson is
Black & blue with the skin hanging off in some places.

Crash says, "Gimme a bottle of Ben Gay."

The pharmacist replies, "BEN GAY?! You're not going to put Ben Gay on
Your dick while it's in that condition?"

Crash says, "No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up."